This weekend, the beloved, elderly people that birthed us, clothed us and spend around $50,000 a year to send us to Tufts will travel from far and wide to Boston - and ruin their respective children's social lives.
For many, college provides students the opportunity not to become highly educated, but to publicly embarrass themselves and disgrace their parents from the privacy of their own dorm room, frat house, academic quad or other suitable TUPD-patrolled area. Unfortunately, for one weekend out of the year, parents upset the social order on campus, requiring the reduction of underage drinking, promiscuous sex, drug use, etc.
As remarkable as Tufts parents can be - word on the street is that Jumbo's folks were pretty cool - here is a list of 10 father (and mother) figures that we find particularly memorable. Now, you can accurately judge your parents in the grand scheme of things when they ask you why there is a glow-in-the-dark condom on your desk.
Just be grateful the Ramseys aren't dropping by campus for a cheerful hello. 10. JonBenét Ramsey's Parents: Who can forget this pair of child-exploiting, questionably murderous parents? Patsy and John started out on the wrong track when they got their young daughter involved in the exceedingly creepy world of children's beauty pageants. It also doesn't reflect well on them that they were so willing to immediately give up the search for the killer after their daughter's murder. It's almost as if they were trying to ... hide something.
9. Penguins: Penguins just may be the world's best parents. Think about it: If you could trade your parents in for a set of adorable waddling penguins, wouldn't you? These tall fellows also trek over 100 kilometers to give birth to their fuzzy little puffball offspring, most of whom will be eaten by seals. Oh well, you get an A for effort, little tuxedo-clad brethren.
8. Zeus: He's the king of all the Greek gods and the father to a small army of them. Zeus got around: He produced at least 14 godly children. But what really makes Zeus stand out among the many other highly reproductive gods that slept around Mount Olympus? He is said to have borne the mighty Athena from his own forehead. If that's not love, we don't know what is.
7. Darth Vader: It's pretty touching when Darth Vader admits to being Luke Skywalker's father, but talk about bad timing. He owns up right after he hacks his son's hand off with a lightsaber. Vader's initial "Luke, I am your father" is more likely Dark Side talk for "Who's your daddy?" than a paternal admission of love and caring, but Vader shapes up toward the end of the "Star Wars" saga. He ultimately sacrifices himself to destroy the evil Emperor and save his son. And if that's not cool enough, he can also move things with his mind.
6. Pongo and Perdita: After this bitchin' couple's litter of puppies is stolen from underneath their respective noses, the two dogs embark on a journey to save their 15 spotted children. It turns out that archvillian Cruella De Vil has dog-napped not only Pongo and Perdy's pups, but 84 other baby Dalmatians and intends to make an enormous fur coat out of them. Luckily, Pongo and Perdita arrive in time to save their children's skins (literally). Then the two parents end up adopting the other 84 puppies and starting a family of, you got it, 101 Dalmatians. Now that's some stellar parenting.
5. Stacy's Mom: "... has got it goin' on/ She's all that I want, and I've waited so long ..." And now it's stuck in your head.
4. Jim's Dad in "American Pie" (1999): As awkward as it may be, getting free condoms and porn from your dad is pretty rad. And let's not forget the infamous pie incident. If your father caught you making sweet love to your mother's homemade apple pie, you'd be off to boot camp ... or the loony bin. You've got to admit, the man's love and sincerity was genuine.
3. Margaret White (Carrie's mother): Teaching children the Bible for moral guidance is one thing, but locking them up in closets, forcing them to pray for their sins and damning everyone else to hell is another story. Margaret White, the religious fanatic who birthed the demon-child Carrie wasn't so bad - she only omitted telling her daughter about menstruation (sparking her total humiliation at school) and eventually committed infanticide. Now that's the way to raise a kid!
2. Lorelai Gilmore: Being 16 years older than her daughter might have something to do with it, but Lorelei is one hip single mom. She sleeps around, talks really fast, references pop culture and is always there to make her play-it-safe daughter take a risk here or there. She also had the audacity to name her daughter after herself (but butchered it by transforming it into "Rory" - not sure how cool that is). Anyway, having a hot mom has to have more benefits than downsides ... right?
1. Professor Henry Jones (Father of Indiana): Who would you rather have by your side fighting Nazis in an attempt to recover the Holy Grail than Sean Connery? After Indiana manages to rescue his father, the elder Jones, although occasionally a little grouchy, does a pretty good job of watching his son's back. Dodging the SS is never an easy task, but with an elderly yet sexy Scotsman by your side, you can't go wrong.
