I'm sure that many of you are already familiar with the feud going on between rappers 50 Cent and Kanye West.
But for those of you who aren't, here's a brief synopsis: Kanye pushed back the release of his latest album, "Graduation," so that it would come out on the same day as 50's newest release, "Curtis." To the best of my knowledge, he did this solely to prove that he could easily outsell the man once christened as rap's "messiah."
Fiddy responded by declaring that if Kanye outsold him, he would quit his solo career altogether. And so, one of the year's more interesting storylines continues to unfold. Though no one really expects 50 to retire, "Graduation" outsold "Curtis" by roughly 250,000 in the first week and continues to do so.
As a 50 hater, this got me thinking: what if we could duplicate this scenario in the world of sports? What if I could arrange competitions designed to rid the sporting world of some of my least favorite characters? Here's how it would go down.
Competition No. 1: An eating contest between Charlie Weis and Pete Carroll.
In the weeks leading up to this contest of college football titans, Carroll would make a series of offhand comments about how he's beaten Charlie so often for recruits that, "this shouldn't really be a problem," while hanging out at USC practice with World Hot Dog Eating Champion Joey Chestnut, a native of Southern California. Pete would then make subtle references to the amount of weed that he'd smoked with Snoop Dogg (another frequent visitor to USC practices) in preparation for his showdown with Weis. "What can waking up the echoes do against the munchies?" he'd snicker, while flashing a winning smile.
Charlie, meanwhile, would hold a press conference to boast of his "decided schematic advantage" against anything that Carroll plans to throw at him, while working 100-hour weeks developing new wrinkles to ensure Carroll's defeat.
The contest itself? Not even close. Weis would use his considerable girth to absolutely crush Pete and then eat Carroll as a finishing touch to his dominating victory. Charlie would then sign all of Carroll's prized recruits and Notre Dame would finally win a National Title.
Competition No. 2: A throwing contest between Johnny Damon and Vladimir Guerrero.
New England's favorite Benedict Arnold vs. arguably the strongest throwing arm in baseball. I once saw Vlad throw from deep right-center field to first base without the ball bouncing once. It would take Johnny three cutoff men to throw it that far.
Even though I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns, I can't knock Johnny's toughness. I'm sure that he would do a whole lot of naked pull-ups in the Yankees locker room to train for this contest. But let's be real: Vladdy can throw farther than Johnny with Wily Mo Peña holding onto his arm.
After his defeat, Johnny could ride off into the sunset with Joe Torre, grow his beard out again - pretty much anything except play for the Yankees, which is all I care about.
Competition No. 3: A game of one-on-one between Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest.
This is pretty much a win-win. I'd give anything to get either of these guys out of the league. Plus, the probability of a fight is extremely high. Since both of these guys are certifiably insane, that would be pretty entertaining.
Which brings me back to my introduction. As we speak, "Curtis" is outselling "Graduation" by a considerable margin in Europe. I'm sure that 50 will use this fact to keep his solo career while saving face. Damn. There's always a loophole, isn't there?
Will Herberich is a sophomore. He can be reached at William.Herberich@tufts.edu.
