In honor of Torn Ticket II's production of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," a play that features a hermaphroditic heroine, this week's cage match features famous film drag queens - not the same as hermaphrodites, granted, but there are less famous hermaphrodites out there to work with.
So it's between Albert Goldman (played by Nathan Lane) of "The Birdcage" (1996), Vida Boheme (Patrick Swayze) of "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" (1995), Dorothy Michaels (Dustin Hoffman) of "Tootsie" (1982) and Edna Turnblad (Divine) of "Hairspray" (1988).
Goldman starts out by serving mini sandwiches on a silver platter which everyone in the ring is pretty much on board with. Unfortunately, his constant referencing of Steven Sondheim musicals and sporadic bursts of song anger Dorothy, who steals the platter from Goldman and hits her over the head, strewing tiny sandwiches all over the ring.
Edna, now angry about the loss of perfectly good sandwiches, smothers wee Dorothy in her overflowing bosom. Leaving Dorothy passed out, she then gets on hands and knees and scours the ring for salvageable sandwiches.
Vida Boheme, who until now has been uncharacteristically silent, decides to fight with words, taunting, "Travolta was better" repeatedly.
Boheme, however, is wholly incorrect, and everyone knows it. Edna is slow to get off the ground, though, and before she can approach Boheme with her jumbo cans of hairspray, Goldman, somehow awakened by Boheme's statement, is already attacking her with her newly-recovered serving platter.
Unable to withstand the pain, the muscular Boheme passes out, leaving just Edna and a revitalized Goldman.
Edna, wowed by Goldman's chivalry, decides to call a truce and the two go out for lunch.
It's something of a modern Thanksgiving story, no?
-by Diana Landes
