An elderly lady once criticized former Philadelphia Phillies first baseman John Kruk for smoking and drinking while being a professional athlete.
Kruk, who probably weighed close to three bills at the time, replied, "I ain't an athlete, lady. I'm a baseball player."
That was 1993. Those were the days.
Back then, my favorite player was Kirby Puckett - another player no one ever accused of being skinny.
Fast forward a decade. Every day it seems like a new player is being summoned to Congress or being accused for taking some sort of performance-enhancing drug. And I'm damn tired of hearing about it.
Thankfully, pitchers and catchers reported to spring training over the weekend, so there will actually be some baseball stories now. But for the past few months, the only story baseball fans have read about is whether or not Roger Clemens juiced over the course of his legendary career.
There are basically three responses for players accused of using illegal drugs. The first is my favorite (and Barry Bonds'): "I didn't know what I was taking."
Please. Clearly Barry and his mom never had the "don't-eat,-inject-or-rub-any-unknown-substance-on-yourself" talk.
The second response blames the language barrier: "Oh, I didn't understand the English on the container." This was Juan Rincon's excuse.
The third response is a flat out denial. This is what we've been hearing from Clemens.
We've heard the tape; we've heard his story. We've heard what his trainer, Brian McNamee, has to say. Frankly, it's all a big pile of he said/he said crap.
Clemens is losing more respect by lying than he'd lose if he just admitted to what everyone already knows.
Roger, we all know you took steroids. Look at your head. It's a square. Normal heads don't look like yours. We all know you got the drugs from McNamee. The American public tends to be relatively forgiving if you just apologize for your errors in judgment. We can and will continue to recognize your brilliant career.
For God's sake, even Jason Giambi apologized. He never explained what he was apologizing for, but at least he had the decency to say he was wrong. Clemens doesn't even have the guts to do that as he sits on his performance enhanced ass in D.C.
I'm certainly no expert when it comes to the intricacies of consequences relating to steroid use, but I'm not sure anyone has the wherewithal to curb the single most devastating issue to hit the sport since the cocaine epidemic of the '80s.
This brings me to my next point: Why is Congress involved in these proceedings? I would hope senators and representatives have enough work to do without worrying about the integrity of our nation's pastime - anti-trust laws or not. This is baseball's problem, not Washington's.
Here's what needs to happen:
First, Congress should not be involved - there needs to be a separation between sport and state. Second, there should be monthly testing for every player on every team, no matter what the cost. The league is making plenty of money. It's worth it. Third, someone - and I don't care who it is - needs to come up with a universal consequence for any and all drug use. If a player used some kind of growth hormone, he should be suspended for, say, 100 games.
If a player is found to be using anabolic steroids, that player should be suspended for a full season. Maybe two seasons.
Make the consequences so strict that players can't afford to be stupid enough to continue to take these drugs.
Even with all the steroid garbage, Roger Clemens still deserves a spot in Cooperstown. I just hope the higher-ups in baseball deal with this problem so we don't have to make this kind of distinction in the future.
Ross Marrinson is a senior majoring in international relations. He can be reached at Ross.Marrinson@tufts.edu.
