Dear Clarissa Darling (Melissa Joan Hart),
Where have you gone when we need you most? It's been nearly 15 years since your show was on the airwaves (yes, it's really been that long, and we're really that old), and we still need so much explained.
We've also heard that you've recently popped out a baby of your own. How is this possible? Wasn't one of the many lessons we learned from your inanely waspy parents that sex (even in wedlock) is an abominable and despicable act that should be reserved for rabbits and other minorities? Or perhaps that was the O'Reilly Factor. I get the two so easily confused.
Remember that time you wanted to go to a concert, but your parents thought it was imperative that you stay for some family function? You snuck out and went anyway because you're just such the rebel, but when your parents found out, they condoned it anyway because your father had done the same as a youth to go to a Vanilla Fudge concert. In the end, the Darling family learned a valuable lesson: let the kids do whatever they want without repercussions.
And who could forget your love-to-hate-him brother Ferguson Darling? If that kid doesn't get all kinds of tail these days, I don't know who does. Eat your heart out, Bill Gates.
Looking back, your show was actually rather tame. If Clarissa had to "Explain It All" nowadays, she'd be explaining how she got preggers, and Sam would be all, "it ain't mine," but we would know it is. Then in the end, you'd get caught with heroin, but Dad would explain that it's OK because you've learned your lesson, and withdrawal would be punishment enough.
The real question I'd like answered is why I was so much more attracted to you when you were 15 than I am now. Explain that.
Yours,
The Daily Arts Department
