Dear Mr. and Mrs. Z,
Or as most people know you, Beyonce Knowles and Jay-Z (or as your best friends, present company included, know you, Shawn Corey Carter), we would like to congratulate you on your nuptial ceremony, which, unbeknownst to most, took place last Friday, April 4. We hope your honeymoon will be just like the other five million vacations you've taken together: long and well-publicized.
With your joining in marriage, two of the largest hip-hop/pop/pop-hop families have united, and frankly, that scares us. Will the airwaves soon be dominated by even more banal collaborations between the two of you, forcing the public to bend under your iron will? Is your bloodlust unquenchable? More importantly, will Beyonce's 'jelly' still be the same after her first pregnancy?
Jay, we hope you understand that although it's OK to announce retirement multiple times in the music industry, you can't really do that in other realms of life. If you find yourself bored with your new ladyfriend-for-life, you can't simply 'peace out' and have everything be hunky-dory the next time you come back, because you'll find all your things "in a box to the left." She could find another you in a minute, you know.
So with that, we would like to wish you good luck with your new acquisition of problem number 100; we hope she's a keeper.
Sincerely,
The Tufts Daily arts department
P.S. That 'jelly' can quickly turn to cellulite, so, you know ... Keep an eye out for that ...
