Film Series to air hours of hard-core pornography

    In an effort to combat poor turnout, the Tufts Film Series plans to air several hard-core pornographic films.
    "You see, we tried showing good movies for free, but students were too lazy to walk all the way to Barnum," explained film series programmer Cupcake McDorksberg. "There's nothing like a little P in V to really stimulate an audience."
    "That's what she said," he added.
    Friday night's lineup includes "Clue: Who Fucked Mr. Boddy?" (2001), an exciting new take on the cult classic. In the film, the usual suspects arrive at a mansion expecting a necrofeliac-tastic gang bang, only to find out that one of the guests has prematurely fornicated the recently deceased host.
    Not wanting to spoil the fun for everyone else, the gang teams up to uncover whodunit with Mr. Boddy, using which object/sex toy, in what orifice. Do they have the "plums" to solve the mystery before trying out every possible combination on one another? Shine a black light on Mrs. White and it doesn't seem likely. Stay for the second film in the double-feature, which is based on "Clue Jr."
    On Saturday night, viewers will get their funny bones tickled, along with their balls, as they are treated to a screening of "Everything You Wanted to See Involving Woody Allen Having Sex but Were Afraid to Admit Publicly" (1972). In an interview with Daily reporter Annie Hall, Allen said, "Don't you see that the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here. So I thought, why not make a titty flick?" He then returned home to have sex with his daughter/wife while discussing her options after grad school.
    Though the writing is witty, hornier audience members might be put off by the fact that the first 90 minutes consists only of Allen negotiating sex with an already consenting partner, while the final five minutes just shows Allen playing the role of his own sperm.
    Although the Tufts Film Series will have a tough time competing with the vast quantities of free alcohol and loose women that pervade this campus, McDorksberg is confident that, at a minimum, this event will give him a great excuse to masturbate publicly, a hobby he took to in the library frequently last year. After countless Daily news articles on his apparently unwelcome display, he decided to move it to Barnum's excuse for a "movie theater."
    The screening will take place in the broom closet next to Barnum 008, and attendees are encouraged to donate their emissions to the conveniently located Dana Laboratory at the end of the show. Bring your own sock.