From the Office of Tufts Daily

Dear Keanu Reeves,

    Congratulations on a "not guilty" verdict in your trial! We at the Daily were upset to hear that you hit a paparazzo with your car as he was trying to take your picture. How could you do such a thing? Though he sued you for damages, we think it's pretty cool that the trial showed some of the best acting Tinseltown can offer.
    Who provided the great performance? Not you — you never have and never will. Your accuser Alison Silva stole the show. He exhibited a great deal of emotional range during his trial; he even broke down in tears, which led the judge to ask if he needed a hanky. Puh-lease! Can anyone believe the rubbish this guy spewed? Besides, he changed his story multiple times; first he was falling in the air for 20 seconds, then he was falling for five to six seconds. Those subtle changes in the details didn't slip by the jury, though. They also didn't make sense. Twenty seconds is a long time; we'd like to see the physics calculations behind that one.
    It's a good thing you brought up the fact that he only fell backward after stumbling on his own feet, and that his "moaning in pain" was significantly delayed. This courtroom drama is as intense as the time Mike Brady caught that man faking his injuries in court after Carol struck his car! Now that this is all over and done with, here are a few suggestions to avoid this happening in the future: wear a disguise, get a driver, lead the paparazzi off your tracks or retire from acting, like Joaquin Phoenix … maybe then you wouldn't have to deal with the scary flashbulbs anymore.

Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department