It always goes a little something like this. It was a hot and heavy night out at the bar or frat, and things are going incredibly well. You get back to his place, and clothes are flying. There's mass making out, a couple quick grabs, and it's made clear that it's time to get down to business. A new hookup is always so exciting, and you look forward to trying out new positions. You find that you have morphed into some kind of pretzel-like position where limbs are bending in unnatural ways. There might be a couple of position changes, and you're beginning to experience sheer terror. You can feel the buildup of air in your vaginal cavity, and it's only a matter of seconds before she blows. It was that last quick in and out, and the inevitable occurs: You queef.
You are forced to make that game-time decision: Play it off like a champ, or put your head between your knees. At this point, you have turned about four shades of red, and you wish you could backpedal, but there's no escaping the fact that you queefed. The situation for a beginning hookup is always uncomfortable. Every experienced man has heard it, but it's always just as embarrassing as the first time.
Most are inclined to freeze and hope it never happened. Poor choice -- your muscle-tensing behavior is not helping the situation. The more you tense up and flex those kegel muscles, the more noise you're going to make. In order to break the tension, some decide to laugh, attempting to make it slightly more comfortable. Possibly the worst response to your action is announcing that it wasn't a fart, operating under the assumption that notifying him that it wasn't gas is better than ignoring the situation at hand. Personally, I believe ignorance is bliss. Covering of ears, sheer terror and freezing are all bad remedies. He has heard it before and is well-aware that it's an unpreventable action. Looking at him with utter panic is only going to make him and the situation more awkward. His reaction is dependent upon your initial response, so if you look horrified, he will mimic your thoughts.
If this relationship is new, a modified routine might present more comfort. Those who have anything far from standard taste know that the most enticing positions can cause unwanted airflow. Few can deny the sexiness of someone entering from behind, but you must modify placement to avoid excess compression. Instead of doing doggy style on the bed, try leaning across a desk or table; that way, you are still granted equal pleasure. The upward tilt of the hips and butt leaves that vagina vulnerable to continuous airflow. The more he goes in and out, the more prone you are to lip ripples. So to avoid muff guff, make sure you minimize pulling out and changing positions too often. Constant scenery change exposes your vagina to shallow air, and you are more prone to queef.
The one position you cannot modify is the legs on the shoulders. No matter how careful you might try to be, the queef is inevitable. If you have such desire for this position, you must roll with the punches.
There are always ways to prevent excess air intake and an awkward situation. It takes a little more effort and planning on your part, but by taking certain precautions, you can reduce the risk of embarrassing obstacles.
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Logan Crane is a junior majoring in political science. She can be reached at Logan.Crane@tufts.edu.
