There are many things in this world that are completely annoying and beyond anyone's control. Animals dressed as humans. The BCS. Joan Rivers on the TV Guide Channel. But the worst of these is, by some lengths, the most predictably obnoxious, occurring once a year in the same month and infuriating office workers across the world.
In a perfect world, I would be able to control each and every aspect of March Madness, curing the inevitable hair loss and saving the Amazon trees from the deforestation that comes with bracket pools. In my ideal 2009 NCAA men's basketball tournament...
... an unsuspecting child would approach University of Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl after a game and mistake Pearl and his flamboyant orange suit for a pumpkin, attempting to place a candle in his mouth and setting Pearl on the front porch for Halloween.
... Syracuse guard Eric Devendorf would be issued a technical foul for every word he utters. "Not in this guy's house" would get him instantly ejected from the game, much to the dismay of Orange fans but to the delight of those already fed up with his trash-talking. But he would still be allowed to nail long-range shots like a Special Forces sniper, but every time he pumps his fist or gets in an opponent's face, one tattoo would be cheese-grated off his biceps.
... the play-in game would be reformatted to pit Mike Krzyzewski's Duke University against Tod Kowalczyk's University of Wisconsin-Green Bay in a game forever known as "The Game with the Two Coaches Whose Names You Could Never Hope to Spell Correctly."
... I would take the penny I saved from buying off the Wendy's 99-cent Value Menu and place it on Chattanooga to win the national title. Of course, since it's my ideal tournament, the 5-trillion-to-one odds would pay out, giving me a cool $50 billion, or just enough to buy one season ticket at the new Yankee Stadium.
... the University of Washington would give Seattle something to look forward to beyond a free iTunes song at Starbucks by surging to a championship game appearance, the city's first Final Four showing since 1953. Even though the Huskies would lose to Chattanooga in the finals, it sure beats the hell out of having the worst team in the American League and a 4-12 NFL abomination as sources of pride.
... a bucket of green goo, much like that of Nickelodeon's "Slime Time Live," would be dumped on the announcers for every time they use the phrases "Cinderella," "Bracket Busters" or "Diaper Dandy." Additionally, they will be punished double anytime they refer to someone as the "Next Stephen Curry." There is only one "Next Stephen Curry," and it is his brother, Seth.
... every school ending in "State" which is preceded by something that is not an actual state would be banned from the tournament. Sorry, Cleveland State, Morgan State, Morehead State and Portland State, try again next year. North Dakota State, you were close to being kicked out until I realized that North Dakota is actually a real place. Who knew?
... Alabama State center Chief Kickingstallionsims would be named the new Secretary of Native American Relations and Ambassador to All Things Badass by President Barack Obama. He would then proceed to stomp on Idong Ibok and Keaton Nankivil for title of the coolest name in this year's tournament. If only his jump shot were as awesome as his name, which actually means "Strength of Falling Rock" and not "Wounding Secretariat."
... Memphis' Tyreke Evans wouldn't pull a Derrick Rose and break my heart only to bolt for the NBA approximately 4.3 seconds after the Final Four loss.
... Missouri would rename its offense to "The Fastest 40 Minutes in Basketball Unless the Judge Mandates That Our Players Spend That Time in Prison."
... I wouldn't get beat by my mom in an office pool, who once won simply because she thought the blue in Kansas' jerseys brought out my eyes.
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Alex Prewitt is a freshman who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at Alexander.Prewitt@tufts.edu.
