Dear Yuantee,
My girlfriend dumped me at Dewick last week, and I've since struggled. First came the surprising tears over the initial shock, then the immediate abuse of a narcotic and then the lying in bed for days at a time. My friends want to take me out, but I don't dare go out — not to parties, not to the gym, not to Tisch — for fear of running into that brutal she-thief who stole and destroyed my once happy heart. I still think there's a chance we'll get back together, Yuantee, but until then I fear I might do something really stupid really soon. What should I Zhu?
-Dumped in Dewick
DD,
This is a difficult question, because I am aware that each case of this sort is unique in some way, and also because I've always been the one doing the dumping. My safest advice, however displeasing, assumes she won't be coming back. In most cases, attempts to win a dumper back will lead to further suffering and physical pain. Hence, the safe play: It's time to move on.
So, you've drunk yourself to sleep. The first thing to do when you wake up, whether it's this day or the next, is to turn on your light. Pull up your blinds. Darkness is not conducive to healing. Then take a long, cold shower and, in it, masturbate. Shave. Flex your muscles in the mirror. Admire the hefty appendage dangling prestigiously between your quads.
Next, make yourself a hearty breakfast using whatever Market Basket delights are available in your refrigerator — your roommates' foods are most certainly encouraged. You'll need a full tank to get over the hill. Save any apologies for later.
Now, well-rested and well-fed, is the time for some drugs, as I know the difficulty in completing this next step sober. Pack a backpack of nips and narcotics, and step outside. Don't bother with a book, for there will be plenty where you're headed.
You'll enter Tisch and notice the brothel they call "The Reading Room" to your right. You'll enter this brothel and notice the ample quantity of coeds scantily dressed in indoor clothing (no coats, baby). But despite their dress, these magnificent beauties will not be there to socialize. Order lots of caffeine at the Tower Café and sit on a sofa under the paper cup chandelier, looking up at the light as your chemicals kick in.
You will wait, and soon, the angel of your nightmares, your Lolita, will also need caffeine. She may come from any of three doors, so keep an eye on all three. As soon as you see her, you must take your pack and cup and go. Go straight home. Congratulate yourself on your couch with a drink. You went out to where you feared she was, and this alone is an enormously vital baby step. You'll be doing keg stands and romancing Alpha Phi girls by the weekend.
Mind you, this is not what I would Zhu. I would get her back, because I'm a sucker for shooting for, and subsequently conquering, the impossible. I feed off my own suffering, anyway. And, as someone heading to medical school in June, I usually prefer to avoid heavy narcotic abuse when I drink.
So, hell — confront her in the library. Show you're doing fine without her while also announcing your intentions of winning her back. Be very blunt. Show her your pack of nips and narcotics, and propose to get naughty in the book stacks like old times. She likely will decline, and you will not win her back that day, but you will undoubtedly impress her. You can put your best foot forward on the gas, but at the end of the day, it's her call if she wants to go for the ride. So, roll down your window and see if your once-fair maiden needs a lift.
At least, that's what I would Zhu.
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Yuantee Zhu is a senior majoring in biology. He can be reached at Yuantee.Zhu@tufts.edu.
