Dear Hannah and Jack,
I couldn't help but notice that it's been pretty warm outside. With summer approaching, how do I get myself in good enough shape to show off my bod on the Pres Lawn? I somehow doubt this layer of blubber is going to come off as easily as the sweatshirt I've been wearing for most of the semester.
Sincerely,
Hefty in Hodgdon
Dear Hefty,
As the most fit and attractive people on campus, we can say with authority that the solution to your quandary is to simply care less. With shirtless dudes and girls in bikinis already roaming about the grassy areas of campus, the time for you to actually get yourself in shape has already come and gone. Those hours you spent playing Super Smash in your room this winter? Coulda been spent getting swoll in Gantcher. Now all you can do is own your beer-Cheetos-and-video-games lifestyle and chill outside with confidence. It's pretty neat when the curvature of your stomach matches that of the Pres Lawn.
Still suffering from self-image woes? Being bummed about your bod burns your ego, not calories. You also care a lot more about how you look than everyone else. Still not confident? We hear they're selling Tufts Goggles at a discount price in both the Bookstore and Jumbo Express, so bestow your crush with a pair pronto.
The sad truth is, even if you run a late marathon between now and the end of school, there's still finals week to contend with. Modest workouts throughout the semester have nothing on that week of totally immodest stress eating and caffeine binges. You'll soon be graced with a new dent in your physique, and it's not gonna be in the shape of chiseled abs. The scowl that is sure to be locked on your face probably won't help either, by the way. The only benefit of this is that everyone else has been acting the same way as you have! (Well, all of the other humans that is - we can't speak for athletes and other crazy people.) So don't be too worried about your appearance; everyone else will have the same insecurities as you.
So go ham on that General Gau's. In fact, get it to go and binge out on the lawn in minimal attire. It's really good for you. Lots of vitamins. And hey, nobody likes clothing anyway (especially the wilderness people, and they seem like a pretty happy bunch). Studies have shown that the most desirable people associate rolls of fat with rolls of cash to be acquired through future earnings. Plus, if you're at least kind of tan, people assume that you spend time outdoors, and that you are at least capable of getting in shape if you so desire. We know lots about tans.
Also, you can take the lessons you've learned this spring and apply them over the summer when you don't have to take classes. (If you do have to take classes, we are sorry and have nothing more to say.) Those fine dining establishments that have a habit of nibbling away at any progress you make toward discernible muscle tone (we're looking at YOU Pizza Days, Helen's, Greek Fest and Moe's) won't be super accessible. So slim down under the sun and work towards a brand new you by September. That way, you can make a splash when you get back next fall and maybe, just maybe, you'll be a bit less flabby come Spring Fling Oh Thirteen.
--
Jack Webster and Hannah Furgang are freshmen who have not yet declared majors. Jack can be reached at John.Webster@tufts.edu and Hannah can be reached at Hannah.Furgang@tufts.edu.
