Before you uncork that champagne bottle, there's something you should know. I did not ask for a diploma. To me it is no more than an eviction notice. Tufts must need the space. Until now the school's been happy to trade my cash for its credit, but not anymore. As of today I am on my own, and being dumped by an institution of higher learning has got me bummed.
Last week I met with the Dean of Students to see if Tufts and I could continue seeing each other.
"The University wants to be friends," she said.
"You just want to see other students, don't you?"
"Yes," she said. "Thousands of them."
This must be what sit-com stars feel like after their show has been canceled. For years they've been walking around in character saying "I'm the Fonz! I'm Fonzie! Heeyyy!" Then one day some executive in a suit comes in and says, "The ratings are down, we're replacing your show with a female buddy-cop thing. You're not the Fonz anymore."
"But I'm the Fonz!"
"That's nice. The good news is Charmin wants to use you for its new line of two-ply. You're gonna be the Squeezably Soft Guy."
"Can I keep the leather jacket?"
"No. The president of the company - his kid was a big fan of the show - he's getting it."
"Oh."
But forget The Fonz, because with graduation it's my show that's being canceled. If you never saw it, you really missed out. Happy College Guy ran seven days a week, starring me as a post-existential Doogie Howser type. In my role, I had no responsibilities and was accountable to no one. It featured women, drugs, and the occasional class. (We were big in Japan.)
I can only imagine the show they've got me pegged for now - an inferior spin-off of Happy College Guy no doubt. Me, the once swingin' undergrad now forced to get my sustenance at the table of affliction - namely the workplace. I figure it'll either be called Honey Where's the Prozac? or If I Have to Get Up Before 8 a.m. Once More I Think I'm Gonna Off Myself.
The real problem is: What I counted on to get me by in college I can no longer count on. Like when a class was hard there was a curve to balloon your grade. But life has no curve. Life only has unemployment - this is one of its major drawbacks.
In college, if you broke a rule you went before a dean who had a bowl of jelly beans on her desk and wanted to talk about your future goals. Life has no jelly beans on its desk, and if you break a rule, you go before a judge who only wants to discuss one thing: your sentencing.
In college, if you stroll in late, it's no big deal, you're tardy. The worst you get is a funny look from the professor. Out there, at work, they actually expect you to show up on time.
I had a job, once. And it started early so I'd stroll in late. You know, just gettin' my groove on. Well, when El Jeffe found out about this he was not happy.
One day the boss called me into the back room.
"You're one of those real smart college guys aren't you?"
I nodded. Hell yeah.
"Well, then I'll put this for you in equation form. Late for work equals out of work."
"Oh." I brightened. "You've never heard of 'tardy' have you?"
Guess what, he hadn't. And when I tried to explain the whole concept to him - the Zen of tardy - he got very moody, and I had to let him go (it might have been the other way around).
I once heard an actor talk about a similar problem he'd had.
"In college it's great. You get to do all the classics. You do Shakespeare, Hamlet. You do Greek tragedies, Oedipus. Then you graduate, move to New York and you're lucky to be cast as the third sword from the left."
And it is experiences such as these which have led me to believe that I am no more prepared for life outside of college than Jo-Jo the Idiot Circus Boy is for life outside the pop-tent.
The University suspects this as well. That's why Tufts has had me, and everyone else that's headed for diplomaville, filling out surveys that ask in about a hundred different ways the same question: "Have we prepared you for life after college?"
That's what they want to know. Prepared me in what way, though? I mean in the event of a water landing, will I be able to use my liberal arts education as a flotation device? Probably not. What about in the event of a job interview? Maybe - especially if the subject of 19th century British literature comes up. Outside of that, I'm not sure. This is not to point fingers or blame anybody (I'm not sitting down to dinner with my family). I was just wondering what college has prepared me for.
Look around you now. During the year, the classrooms here are filled with worldly professors and motivated students. Together they discuss the nature of life in literature, philosophy, art, and science. And at its best a university is an oasis of questioning within a world that would rather you functioned on autopilot. But step one questioning, enlightened toe outside the gate that surrounds the campus and it is liable to get run over.
You don't even have to leave campus. Every year our campus is set upon by the local youths (i.e. delinquents) who root around looking for unsuspecting undergraduates to hoist up by the ankles and play tether-student with. Just what is this student armed with against such an attack? Critical thinking? It's hard to think critically when the elastic around your underpants is doubling as a headband. And if you think the local hooligans are bad, just wait until you see what El Jeffe has in store for you.
Seniors, it is graduation day. We are being evicted and the University is locking the gate from behind. They're sending us little lambs out into a world where they've never even heard the word tardy. You see the colors on our caps and gowns? Black and black. Usually when people are dressed in these colors, there's a hearse nearby.
