"LET'S KILL SOME O' THESE MOTHAF-KAS!"
Giants safety Shaun Williams's thoughtless ejaculation, aimed at the not-yet-victorious Ravens, resounded from the speakers of millions of television sets worldwide as he stormed onto the field just before the kickoff of Super Bowl XXXV. There's no question about it: the Super Bowl is America's most promising opportunity to market itself to the world, and the merging of the arts realm with America's diehard capitalist spirit always results in some very interesting commercials and celebrity performances.
At this time of year, 'interesting' doesn't necessarily mean cheap, with advertisers having paid up to $2.3 million for every 30 seconds of airtime. Tufts students thought many of this year's ads were both humorous and successful, like the numerous spots Anheiser-Busch, this year's biggest advertiser, supported.
In one act, an afro-sporting man named Cedric is romancing his date in front of a roaring fire. When she asks for something to "cool this fire down," he excuses himself and steps into the kitchen. There, he picks up a Bud Light in each hand, performs a victory dance, and returns to serve his date - only to watch the shaken-up bottle explode in her face.
"I really loved that one. I'm sure that happens way too much every Friday night," sophomore Eric Mitton remarked.
Another popular Anheiser-Busch ad poked fun at last year's successful "Wazzzup!" campaign. In "What Are You Doing?" a group of affluent, tennis-playing, sweater-wearing white boys sip imported beers and ask each other, well, "What are you doing?" The cast of "Wazzzup!" watches in horror.
E-trade, one of the few dotcoms that supported last year's Super Bowl that hasn't yet folded, brought the world a handful of new spots, two of which were absolutely hilarious. In one, a monkey wearing an E-trade shirt walks sullenly through a post-apocalyptic landscape of abandoned buildings - the remains of the offices of failed dotcoms with fictitious names - like pimentoloaf.com and eSocks. When a wrecking ball tears through the fa?§ade of one of the buildings, chunks of debris fall to the ground. Among the wreckage is that annoying pets.com sock puppet - badly torn and covered in dust. The monkey gazes at his fallen comrade and sheds two tears. "Invest wisely," says the narrator. Perhaps this move was somewhat arrogant in the wake of so many dotcom failures, but who would not laugh at the death of that damned puppet?
In another E-trade spot, the company takes advantage of Matrix-style special effects. A daydreaming, overweight bank security guard attacks would-be robbers by rising into mid-air and pummeling them with kicks. He then gravitates back to the ground, bounces off a wall, and finishes them off. The guard wakes up in a daze, unable to answer a patron's question. E-trade's message: Why deal with people when you can deal with your computer?
Pepsi also contributed a number of effective spots. In one, a Pepsi machine at a highway rest stop peacefully weathers the four seasons next to a Coke machine. A would-be patron approaches the Pepsi machine, only to have it disappear underground before he inserts his dollar. As the camera reveals a prison across the way, the inmates gleefully exclaim, "We got it!"
In another Pepsi spot, chess master Garry Kasparov defeats a computer at a tense match, then declares that computers are nothing but machines. He leaves the room to get a Pepsi - but the computer uses security cameras to monitor his every move. The Pepsi machine he patronizes blasts a can into his stomach, knocking him down an elevator shaft. "Your move," the machine says on its digital display.
"It's scary - the Pepsi machine is now Big Brother," said freshman Jack Grimes II, laughing.
Yet another Pepsi shot portrayed Bob Dole walking along a beach, flirting with beautiful young joggers in bikinis. Just when the audience expects him to reveal that Viagra has made him "more vibrant" - as it has in the past - Dole reveals that Pepsi is his secret elixir. The former presidential candidate, operating in this unusually self-deprecating manner, elicited many laughs.
The show also had its smaller successes. Frito-Lay brought back model Ali Landry, who stunned boys nationwide when she appeared in the company's "Laundromat" ad and caught 3-D Doritos in her sultry mouth. In this year's Super Bowl spot, she challenges a pitching machine at a tennis court. The tortilla chip she puts in it hits her with such force that it knocks her out cold - and leaves an orange triangle of flavoring on her forehead.
In a hilarious spot for Snickers, a street-corner salesman offers stress relief dolls that say things like "Your sister's pretty" to customers that willingly smash them. The message: If you're looking for something to crunch, it should be a Snickers bar. At the end of the piece, a man specifically requests a doll that says "Don't worry; that happens to lots of guys."
Not all this year's commercials were equally impressive, though. Grimes offered his thoughts: "The commercials of years past were surprising because they were something new. Now they're trying to recreate that spontaneous feeling that can't exist anymore."
Wireless service provider Cingular, in an apparent attempt to get its name out, annoyed and alienated audiences. Some of its spots were cute, but none was so discomforting as one that featured an autistic artist. His speech was so incomprehensible that the commercial required subtitles, and he painted awkwardly with a brush strapped to the top of his head. He referred to himself as a "gimp," and a "fighting spirit," but the monetary motivation behind the commercial left a sour taste in some viewer's minds.
"It got your attention, but it seemed like blatant commercialism," said freshman Maya Messina. "Buy a cell phone, support a gimp."
Similarly confusing were ads sponsored by Accenture, a consulting group, previously known as Anderson Consulting, that desired to publicize its recent name change. The company used potentially relevant scientific possibilities - like the advent of virtual surgery - to grab the audience's attention, but neither offered a consumer product nor entertained the millions that watched.
"They weren't funny, and I don't care about Accenture," Mitton remarked. "They should only sell commercials to beer companies from now on."
Very luckily, only one company - Frito Lay - offered a Palm Beach County Canvassing Board joke.
Still more interesting than the commercials was the show's ten-minute halftime show. Ben Stiller, in a prerecorded skit, acted as the Halftime Show Coordinator, working hard to get Aerosmith and *NSYNC ready for the show. "That 'N-Sucked," he critically shouted at the five-piece boy band as they rehearse. Saturday Night Live alums Adam Sandler and Chris Rock also joined in the skit.
Onstage, things got even more interesting. Aerosmith and *NSYNC played a medley of their most popular songs. The show culminated in a performance of Aerosmith's timeless hit "Walk This Way" - performed not only by Aerosmith itself, but by the incredible dancers that are *NSYNC, Britney Spears (who wore a sock on her arm to complement an outfit tighter than Christina Aguilera's pants), and rappers Mary J. Blige and Nelly. Adding to the show's celebrity status, Sting, Ray Charles, and the Backstreet Boys all appeared before kickoff.
Despite the celebrity entertainment (or was it lip-syncing?) and the occasional football footage, Super Bowl XXXV's true stars were, as expected, the commercials. Not all were spectacular, but they certainly kept millions entertained for the duration for the three-hour affair.
The game's outcome may not have lived up to Shaun Williams's expectations, but many of this year's Super Bowl commercials certainly lived up to theirs.
