Q: Doctor K, I need help. I think I'm in love. There's this girl who I've been friends with since the beginning of the summer. She's super cool, we get along really well, and I'm sure that both of us have a ton of fun every time we hang out. She probably calls me a few times a week, just to talk, or because she wants to see me. She even got me this great birthday present that meant a lot to me, and she knew it. I'm starting to think about her a lot and miss her when she's not around. The only problem is that she has a boyfriend! What the hell is going on? I KNOW I'm her type, but why does she act like she wants to get close to me if she's got this other dude on the side? Could someone PLEASE explain the way women work to me?
- Frustrated by an Evil Wench
A: For me to explain the way women work would take up more volumes of reading material than the world has room for. One thing you have to realize when dealing with any member of the female species is that they were put here to confuse the hell out of men. On a happier note, once you can find a woman who suits your needs (and vice versa), then she can also provide the greatest happiness you can imagine.
Now that we've got that cleared up, on to your dilemma. It appears that your dear female friend is absolutely confused by her current situation. And she's dealing with it in a way that is leaving you with your head spinning. My guess is that she really does care about you a lot - after all, she did get you a meaningful birthday gift, which she wouldn't have done if she thought of you only as a good friend. She is showing her true affection for you in ways that will not get her in trouble with her boyfriend. You see, it's not technically cheating if she just hangs out with you, calls you, buys you very special presents, tears your heart out, and plays hacky sack with it. But even though she doesn't think she's cheating on her boyfriend physically, there is a large emotional component that she needs to pay special attention to - because she is devoting her heart to not one, but two people.
Apparently, she is at a loss as to what to do. She could truly love her boyfriend, but has come to realize that she isn't as committed as she once thought. It seems like the only way you will ever truly know how she feels is to talk to her. Now, this is definitely not going to be fun or easy, but is absolutely necessary if you want to find some sort of peace of mind. She is crazy about you! And for her to show it in these not-so-subtle ways is unfair to you because you can't do anything about it. My advice would be this: the next time the two of you are together, let her know that you really care about her. Make a point to tell her how meaningful the gift was, and how you've noticed that you spend a lot of time together. Ask her straight up if this is more than a friendship. You can't be subtle about this, because she will be likely to dance around the subject for as long as possible. In fact, she probably wants to avoid talking about it until she figures out what she needs in her life. You, my friend, need to be the person to make her figure it out now - no more stalling! By being up front and honest about your own feelings, you will hopefully encourage her to speak her mind. If for some reason she freezes up, then maybe you guys need a break from each other for a while. But if she is responsive (which I have a feeling she will be), then this could be the opportunity of a lifetime. Don't let it pass you by.
Q: Dr. K, what's going on? Three years ago, I remember graduating high school and thinking: "Ahh, college: where all the girls are easy." And now look, it's the middle of my senior year, and I STILL haven't had sex. What's wrong with me? I've been working out, I go to the frat parties, I take girls out on dates - I even started wearing cologne! We fool around and stuff, but still no nookie. I look around, and I feel like even the ugly kid in my French class has gotten some - everyone has except me! What should I do?
- Urgin' Virgin
A: Gee, I can't imagine why any girl would pass up such an intelligent, upstanding, respectful guy such as yourself! I mean really, since college is obviously where "all the girls are easy," then what could possibly be going wrong?
So, you work out - big deal. Do you think women are solely interested in a good body? It helps, for sure, but if you don't have anything in the cranium to match, then you're pretty much useless. You go to the frat parties - now, there's a great way to meet the ladies. Drunken chaos and cheap beer definitely do not comprise a decent effort on your part to entice a lovely lady. And when you take girls on dates, do you sit there eyeing them like a piece of rib-eye steak the whole time? I'm going to take a wild guess that you do. Oh, and lastly, if you're as studly as you think you are, then you probably don't understand the concept of how to wear cologne - it is a huge turnoff to pour the stuff on you so that your next door neighbors can smell it.
WAKE UP! Obviously, your attitude about the whole college scene is so grossly skewed that you are unknowingly driving away hoards of women who might otherwise be interested in getting to know you. You've heard it before: start thinking with your other head! You need to change your attitude about women before you even think about getting intimate with one. Learn how to respect others and yourself, and try to make an effort to get to know a person before getting them in bed. You might just surprise yourself and find that caring for a person makes sexual experiences that much better.
