With acceptance letters finally in the mail, this campus will soon be inundated with pre-frosh. And who better to help those poor lost souls acclimate to this beautiful campus than myself. Having spent the last three years deeply immersed in Tufts social scene, I can say that I've learned many a lesson about the female student body, literally and figuratively. As a man around campus, I've learned who is who, and what exactly that means to you. So here you go boys, I call this the Guys Guide to Dating at Tufts:
The Banana Republic Princess
The BRP is characterized by her always trendy outfits. Unfortunately, her taste in fashion is strictly limited to the newest catalog received in the mail. These sisters of the Tufts establishments Chi Omega or Alpha Phi can be spotted from afar by their year-round orange tan. They can always be found monopolizing most of the Campus Center dining tables during lunch hours.
PROS: 20 girls living in one house is great odds
CONS: They hog all the cardio equipment at the Fitness Center
The Westchester County
WesCo's do not necessarily reside in Westchester County, New York; but, those that don't secretly wish that they did. With their Dolce Gabana sunglasses, Diesel jeans, and Armani T's the WesCo is a fashion boutique manager's dream come true. After getting her hair re-highlighted on Newbury Street, she is likely to be found chain-smoking while indulging her appetite with a salad. When not attending to her fashion needs, the WesCo can be found cruising Professor's Row in the new BMW/Lexus/Infiniti SUV daddy just bought her.
PROS: She's got plenty of money
CONS: You're still going to be the one paying
The Jumbo-ette
When not on the field of play the Jumbo-ette is usually busy playing hard elsewhere. The fierce competitive edge on these girls when combined with alcohol can often lead to some disastrous outcomes. In fact, the Jumbo-ettes provide an explanation for the Massachusetts state law that categorizes any residence within which four or more females live and alcohol is present as a brothel.
PROS: Hanging out with them will keep your testosterone up
CONS: They'll fight you if they lose in a drinking game
The Activist
These political activists use their status in minority groups to make efforts at social change. Unfortunately, these attempts lead to slumber parties in the Admissions Office and chalking obscenities on the campus sidewalks. They can be identified by memberships to groups named with unpronounceable strings of letters. When not attempting to change world politics with noisy rallies, they can be found enjoying a cone at Denise's.
PROS: They don't always need you
CONS: They won't ever need you
The Groupie
Groupies come from all the other categories of girls, but they take their allegiance to male companionship much more seriously. These girls follow a variety of different male groups, ranging from fraternities and male sports teams to the Beelezebubs and student actors. These girls are sometimes hard to identify as groupies, but the fact that they know everyone's name and act like they own the place usually gives them away. They can also be found consuming all the accessible food late at night, and walking home as the sun rises.
PROS: They have very colorful, usually secret, nicknames
CONS: There is always a good reason for the nicknames
I hope my experience can be of use to all of you who are planning to attend our prestigious university. Have a great summer, and come prepared to face off against some of the most intelligent girls in the country.
Jamie Konn is a junior majoring in psychology.
