A senior's pearls of wisdom

Attention, freshmen. I know what you're thinking, "Yes, I've finally escaped my parents' grasp and now I am living on my own _ at college. Just being in college makes me older and definitely cooler. Like, way cooler."

One of the first things you'll learn at Tufts is that college students abide to the general principle that you become progressively cooler from freshman to senior year. Fortunately for all of you, you are just beginning college and have four years of increased coolness remaining.

In fact, all principles holding true, you can maximize your coolness by spending five, six, or seven years at Tufts instead of the normally allotted four. So what if you have to take out an extra $120,000 in loans?

According to the great philosopher Benjamin Jay, you'll be infinitely cooler by your seventh year. Jay's theory is based on the following hypothesis:

"Since the United States has the best universities in the world and Boston is the best college town in the states, Tufts, the best college in the Boston area, must have not only the brightest and most successful students, but also the coolest people on the planet."

While many regard Jay's theory as ridiculous babble, recent Tufts graduates only serve to support his theory. Juniors and seniors only have to think back to Fall Fest 2000, when thousands of Tufts girls, joined by a few select female faculty members screamed their hearts out as self-proclaimed super stud and Vanilla Ice look-alike Johnny Rodgers military pressed then Daily Editor-in-Chief Daniel Barbarisi. Afterwards, Rodgers signed autographs for fans and drove the girls crazy with his deep, scratchy, sexy voice.

"Like, it was totally amazing. He is sooooo hot. Uh! I like, love his gold frosted hair. I mean, like, I just went, like, completely crazy when I asked JR to sign my chest and he said to me, 'Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. That's right baby, you know you want it.'"

Freshmen, I know exactly what you're thinking: a.) Who is the legendary Johnny Rogers? and b.) How can I be like him? I'll spare you of a horrible inferiority complex by putting it bluntly; there will never be another Johnny Rodgers. While "J Rodge" showed us that achieving a state of personal coolness as coolness approaches infinity is possible, we need to face up to the truth that not every one of us can be perfect. I agree with you that it's not fair, but hey, life isn't fair.

Do not fret; superior coolness is still attainable. Over the last few years, I have compiled a list of five keys to coolness at Tufts. Each entry is rated on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the absolutely uncool and ten being completely super-duper cool. If you follow my advice, you have my word, cub scouts honor, that you will have too many friends and will be, like, totally cool by the time you leave Tufts.



1.) Join LCS. While jumping on the bandwagon is normally not the "cool" thing to do, LCS is the largest organization on campus and has a wealth of great volunteer programs (including many similar to the Derek Zoolander center for kids who can't read good.) Rating: 10.

2.) Bring snacks to film series movies. Given the 95% chance that the projector will malfunction at some point during the movie (usually at the climax) you'll make instant friends by providing candy, popcorn, and "beverages." Or, if you feel like being really generous, you could just get the film series a new projector. Rating: 6.

3.) Work at Jumbo Express. Perhaps the best way to make friends on campus, providing hungry and procrastinating students with free candy, will automatically increase your popularity. But be careful not to get stuck working at Hotung, too. While giving away free food will go far, being associated with the painfully slow service could leave you with fewer friends in Boston than Bill Buckner. Rating: 8.

4.) Pay hosts of parties. Always give the host of a party at least $5. Throwing a college party is not an easy thing to do. Without the $5 financial support of freshmen it would be virtually impossible to have any parties at Tufts. Help carry on this decades-old tradition and make more upperclassmen friends than you know what to do with. Remember, it's just a rite of passage and it will pay huge dividends in the end. Rating: 9.

5.) Guest-meal upperclassmen. Giving free all-you-can-eat dining hall meals to upperclassmen is a surefire way to meet new, older, and cooler people. The more you guest-meal them, the friendlier they'll become (until they realize they'd rather beg for food than endure the once familiar wrath of Dewick/Carmichael). Rating 6.



So there you have it, your own personal roadmap to coolness. I welcome you to Tufts and look forward to getting to know all of you over the next four years as I follow my dream to be a super-super-super senior. It's definitely worth the $120,000