Caaaast your vote

Over the last two years, our nation has been plagued with political scandals and rampant corruption. The Florida fiasco of the 2000 presidential election, the speculation surrounding California Representative Gary Condit's role in Chandra Levy's murder, and the recent expulsion from the House and subsequent imprisonment of former Ohio Representative James A. Traficant are just a few infamous examples. These debacles have only further alienated a nation of voters that are already largely politically inactive.

With national morale tumbling and distrust for the government spreading faster than last summer's Colorado wildfires, elected officials became obvious targets for emotional and physical attacks. Paranoid politicians across the nation increased their personal security in hopes of preventing such acts of aggression.

"Fellow political leaders, if I could give y'all one small piece of advice to ensure your safety at this critical time, I would. Believe me, I would. But I can't," President Bush said during a speech in Southwest Texas.

Clay Henry III , a fellow Texan, childhood friend, Bush constituent, and mayor of Lajitas, TX, was among the attendees of the event. Like Bush, Henry is carrying on his family's political legacy. A third-generation politician, Henry has many things in common with Dubya. However, unlike the president, Henry is possibly the most famous mayor in all of Texas, walks on all fours, and is a goat. No, I'm not lying to you _ he is a real goat.

One of the few politicians to completely rely on good 'ol grassroots campaigning, Henry was elected after spending countless hours schmoozing with locals and socializing with tourists. A remarkable beer connoisseur, Henry is known to spend days on end drinking with his constituents.

"It was not uncommon for him to put back 30 to 40 beers a day," Lajitas sheriff Ronny Dodson stated. "It was a heartwarming sight to see a guy putting in so much effort into getting to know the town. After a few weeks, everybody knew him, and everybody loved him _ it didn't really matter that he was always drunk."

So strong were his feelings for beer that Henry chose to ignore Lajitas' illegal immigration crisis and instead ran on an anti-blue law, eliminate the drinking age platform.

Henry also fervently supported "animal riiiiights" and "freeeedom of speeeech."

When asked what his favorite beers were Henry animatedly baa'ed, "Naaaatty Light and my special homemaaaade brooo! I think beeeer is an imporrrrtant parrrrt of our society. It encourages relaxaaaation and a strehhhhss freeeee lifestyle."

Despite his belief that beer encourages an easy-going lifestyle, Henry's alcohol habit has been seriously detrimental to his health. Aside from the immeasurable damage done to his liver, the alcohol also cost Henry his little, or as Henry would deceitfully say, big friend.

Last November the furry mayor became the most recent victim of a very severe, verypersonal attack on a politician.

It was then that Jim Bob Hargrove, of Val Verde County, was charged with castrating the mayor in a fit of rage. Luckily, town constable Richard Hill "retrieved the evidence from a dumpster" and successfully identified the assailant.

When asked about his motives, Hargrove told authorities that he couldn't stand to see so much beer going to waste down the mayor's throat.

"It's a downright absurdity. How this town can love a beer-guzzling creature so much is beyond me. I don't regret what I did," Hargrove said. "That there mayor deserved it!"



"Sure it huuuurt. It huuuurt like hell. But whaaaat was I supposed to dooo to stop him? The baaaastard got me while I was sleeeeping." Henry told reporters.

"Yehhhs, it was much more paaaainful than my circumcision! I'm muuuuch older now, I'm going to rememmmmber this one. Whaaaat kind of queeeestion is that, anyways?"

While Henry has remained optimistic throughout the entire ordeal, the same political analysts that correctly predicted his landslide victory over Clyde the stable dog in 2000 are now saying that it's not going to be as easy this November.

Most experts cite Henry's alleged "corrupt bargain" with none other than Dubya himself as the main threat to his hopes for reelection. While no concrete evidence was ever found, many still believe that Dubya illegally donated more than $200,000 in soft money to Henry's 2000 campaign in exchange for "lots and lots of Henry's homemade beer."

Other analysts and political gurus think that Henry's reelection (and reerection) aspirations will fail because he just doesn't have the same "presence." Although he has made a deeply personal sacrifice, he's lacking the "fortitude, stamina, and man power" that carried him to victory two years ago.

Vain opponents have pointed to Henry's unkempt and jarring physical appearance and his stale beer breath as difficult obstacles that the incumbent will be forced to overcome.

Regardless of what anybody says I have a great deal of sympathy and admiration for the country's most famous goat.

Next Tuesday, I encourage all of you to join me in exercising our right to vote. And if you're from Lajitas, Texas please do the right thing _ caaaast your vote for the castrated, beer-drinking, Orwellian mayor, Clay Henry III.