Intramurals: a Play-by-Play

Matt: Hello everybody. Matt Bennett here along with John Madden for this week's featured intramural football game between the Dirties and Dearborn. On our first drive, Dirty quarterback Peter, finds number 85 Dave Baumwoll on an out pattern for the touchdown. But no conversion for these heathens as the point after pass falls incomplete. Six to nothing, Dirties lead.

Madden: I'm wondering, what is Peter's last name? Here's a guy whose one of your good friends, uh, lives in your suite in Wren and uhhhhh you don't even know his name! This guy's gotta seriously start thinking about his journalism skills.

Matt: That's the kind of thing that happens a lot when you put vodka on your Cheerios every morning, John. First drive for Dearborn here. Dan Schrieber drops back and heaves up a long one.... PICKED OFF by number 55 Eric Fuerstein. The Dirties have the ball back. Two quick screen passes from Peter to number 24 Adam Lasker and the Dirties find the end zone once again. Another failed conversion and we have a 12-0 ballgame here.

Madden: Here's a guy who likes to throw the screen pass and uhhhh.... He completes two of them, one for the touchdown!

Matt: Thanks John...Dearborn's driving deep in Dirty territory. Schreiber drops back and tosses one up toward the end-zone where it is tipped and intercepted again! This time its number 76 Nimrod Hashinovsky. The Dirties are picking everything except Schrieber's nose!

Madden: This guy's got a great arm! Uh, but the receiver can't haul it in and then you have the cornerback looking for the big play.... Boom! Interception.

Matt: Well the Dirties couldn't convert on fourth down, giving the ball back to Dearborn with just a few minutes remaining in the half. Schreiber drives the ball down the field and makes short passes like Webster at a strip club. Then, he finds number 23 in the back of the endzone and Dearborn cuts the Dirties lead to 12-7 at the half. Let's go to Mongoose McBeefcake in New York.

Mongoose: Thanks Matt, John. In the 5:15 games today, Zeta Psi defeated Ill Sauce 28-14. Quarterback Jason Brovnan told me after the game that "We feel like Jason Brovnan as a player worked the field well." The other game featured the Cubans and the Indies in a real shootout. Cuban quarterbacks Javier Perez-Giz and Matt Senko lit up the Indie defense in a 70-28 victory. Team Spam also picked up a win in a thrilling forfeit against Team Destroyer. Back to you guys.

Matt: Thanks Mongoose. We are ready for the second half here. Dearborn has the ball. Schreiber lobs a deep pass to number 29 who makes a spectacular catch on a tipped ball. But then out of nowhere, Peter comes up with another Dirty interception! He runs it halfway to Cambridge setting up a touchdown pass to Hashinovsky. This time the conversion is good, and the Dirties extend their lead.

Madden: You uh don't have the names of the Dearborn team do you Matt?

Matt: No.

Madden: Here's a play-by-play guy who uh, I mean, I was better off sitting next to Pat Summerall propped up by a coupla two by fours.

Matt: Then the two teams start trading scores like two swinger couples in Penthouse Forum. Trailing 19-7 Dearborn comes right back on a touchdown scramble by Schreiber to make it a one-point game. But then its Peter and the Dirties answering back with a touchdown of their own. Dearborn counters with a long touchdown pass to number 33, and the Dirties lead is only six, 26-20.

Madden: This is a great football game! The team's are making good football plays, throwing the football well, catching the football well, and uhh otherwise making every football play that you would expect a football player to make!

Matt: On the next drive, however, the Dirties ended the party like TUPD when Peter hit number 25 Philip Castro for the score.

Madden: Uh, Castro Matt? Doesn't he play on the Cubans?

Matt: Shut up John. Chris Cole converts the extra point with a halfback pass to number 85 Dave Baumwoll and the Dirties lead 33-20 with just minutes left to play. Adam Lasker then put the cherry on top of this bacon sundae with one final interception. John, any thoughts on this victory by the Dirties today?

Madden: Well, uhhh, I'm a little surprised we didn't hear more from number 84 on Dearborn. Now here's a guy who uhh is the Khalid El-Amin of cover cornerbacks. And that offense just kept the ball away from him.

Matt: It was a Dirty win any way you look at it. Stay tuned next for the Reading Comprehension Questions and 'What did we learn this week?'.



Reading Comprehension Questions

1. Did you ever forget somebody's last name? Somebody whose last name you really ought to know? Don't you feel like a jerk?

2. What's the deal with John Madden's eyebrows?

3. Peter. It's got a ring to it. Like Madonna or Cher, don't you think?

What did we learn this week?

If your football team runs the football, throws the football, catches the football, and stops the football, then you've got a lot more than a football's chance in hell of winning the football game.