This isn't a sports column, but it plays one on TV

The Sox lost. Let's face facts and stop pretending that it was all a bad, drug-induced dream. It's hard to let go, I know-- I'm as upset as anyone about it. But we need to move on. As part of my five step plan on not taking my own life, I found myself wondering about all the aspects of how Baseball affects our school, and I have come to a very interesting conclusion.

Even Yankees fans wanted the Sox to win. Why?

Aside from the fact that David Ortiz is THE MAN for proving that no matter how out of shape you are, you can still play sports, it's because everyone was hoping for another "riot."

Now, astute readers may note that I put the word "riot" in "quotation marks," while less astute readers are sitting here trying to figure out what astute means. Honestly, though, we were all really too proud of ourselves after our little get together when the Sox beat the A's. There was a lot of back slapping and high-fiving afterwards, all of us quite content with demanding that the President of the school show himself while Northeastern went into meltdown, BC burned to the ground, and UMass Amherst disappeared into a black hole. (This was later blamed on MIT.) My point is that our "riot" was quite tame compared to other schools.

Even so, it was still about twice as much as went on at Harvard. At least we burned some things and howled a lot. If it were the School of Hard Heads, it would have been much tamer. If they managed to set something on fire without hurting themselves, they would make sure to have someone standing next to the fire with an extinguisher at the ready, and a second kid holding the pin to make sure that no time would be lost if the blaze went out of control. In addition, they would march down to their President's house chanting "We politely demand that the President show himself so we can inform him of how happy we are that the local baseball team, The Red Sox, colloquially referred to as 'The Sox', have won the first round of the Baseball Playoffs." I grant that the Harvard kids would be more of a pain for the cops than we were, however. They'd probably lie down in protest.

Now, as long as we're talking about baseball, I would feel dirty if I did not mention the staple of the baseball lovers diet-- Hot Dogs. Of course everyone loves Hot Dogs. If you don't eat meat, you love Veggie Dogs. If you only eat white meat, you love Chicken Dogs. If you only eat dog, you love Poodle Dogs. It's a fact of life. But how many of you out there have ever had an Octodog? Thanks to the bravery of thousands of German technicians, you can now have the fun and great taste of an Octodog in your home kitchen!

According to octodog.net, the Octodog is a "fun hotdog you can make at home with our Frankfurter converter." Essentially, this miracle of modern technology is a little plastic tube (that disturbingly looks like a douche) with the design of an Octopus on top. When you insert a Hot Dog into the tube, it cuts the dog just so that when it is cooked, it comes out shaped like an Octopus. Why anyone would WANT a Hot Dog shaped like an Octopus is an excellent question, and one that better men than I have struggled with for about twenty minutes. However, this strange modern miracle is catching on around the country. According to the site, the Octodog was featured in "Trailer Park Queen" and "is on its way in becoming a household name within the Trailer Park community." Plus, Beyonce says "I've never seen anything like that before! It was very strange, but it was interesting! I guess it's nice for kids..." and who will argue with Beyonce? If you do, you're in trouble! Uh oh uh oh uh oh oh oh oh oh!

Back to baseball, though. It's America's pastime. Even when your team isn't winning (a common occurrence around here) you still need to respect the athletes for putting in the effort to entertain the masses. Except David Ortiz. He's not an athlete. He's just the Mayor.

Maybe we should set up a wrestling match between him and Ahnold?