Commenting on candy

So Halloween has come and gone again. What a crazy weekend of costumes, parties, and very heavy binging. On candy.

Having consumed at least a pillowcase full of fun-size treats, I feel sufficiently ill. I also feel strangely powerful. With this amount of sugar comes certain knowledge. I would have to confess, that after almost two decades of Halloween experience, I have become a candy connoisseur. Therefore, in the following paragraphs, I will graciously provide a candy review: an analysis and criticism of the most popular trick-or-treat goodies.

Butterfinger: Described by their label as "crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery!" these candy bars try hard to live up to their claim. Milk chocolate enrobes a core of -- what exactly is it? Crystallized peanut butter? The consistency resembles flaky English toffee, but the taste is reminiscent of peanut brittle. Though decidedly delicious, consumers beware: this crunchy candy will stick to your teeth like sealants. Grade: A

Milky Way: Not one of my favorite candy bars in the least, though at least the addition of caramel makes the Milky Way an improvement on Three Musketeers. In my opinion, nougat should only be used to package fragile objects. It is just fluffy filler, like all those unnecessary paragraphs I use to make my papers longer. Get rid of it, and you are left with a better product. Grade: C-

Reeses: Classic. Reeses depart from the traditional candy bar mold (pun only slightly intended) in assuming a circular nature. Though not exactly peanut butter "cups," per se, these creamy discs of milk chocolate and peanut butter are satisfyingly simple. Hardly a better taste combination exists than the pairing of these two essential ingredients. Grade: A+

Twix: By arriving as a pair, this candy has the advantage of extended enjoyment. Distinct in the inclusion of a "cookie," Twix corners the market on chocolate-covered shortbread. A Twix bar's most redeeming quality, however, is the sticky caramel that stretches out with every bite and extends the gap between mouth and remaining candy bar. The only improvement would have to be in the cookie itself, which is slightly dry and chalky. Grade: B+

Almond Joy: For those of us who enjoy coconut, this candy is quite a treat. One of the richest candy bars I know, Almond Joys are too sweet to be consumed in mass quantities. They are externally distinguishable by the whole almonds that line the top of the candy bar, vertebrae-like. Although a little large and disconcerting for those accustomed to peanuts in candy bars, these nuts add additional crunch and flavor. Grade: A-

Twizzlers: I realize that I might be alone on this one, but I just do not find Twizzlers to be appetizing in the least. They taste like strawberry-scented candle wax. The Pull-and-Peel variety is slightly better, and the Twist-and-Fills are actually pretty good. But classic Twizzlers just do not make the cut. They were always the first items I traded away as a kid. To me, a Twizzler is only useful as a means to other, more delicious, candy. Grade: D-

M&Ms: Although I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate (why is it that no one has produced dark chocolate M&Ms?) I do enjoy the occasional bag of M&Ms. I primarily use M&Ms as fun chocolate. Their small size and hard-candy coating make them quite effective as poker chips. M&Ms also make excellent projectiles for the classic game of try-to-throw-candy-towards-my-mouth-and-see-if-I-can-catch-it. Grade: B+

BlowPops: While I would much rather have a Tootsie Roll Pop than a BlowPop, they are both enjoyable suckers. The bonus treat of bubblegum at the core is always exciting, although it requires patience not to just bite straight into the gum. Admittedly, gum lasts longer than a Tootsie Roll center, but BlowPop gum itself is not really of great quality. Overall, this is a decent trick-or-treat goody, but not one of my favorites. Grade: C+

Tootsie Rolls: An absolutely essential Halloween candy, these "bite-size midgees" are sweet and chewy and perfect. However, I have always been a little unclear about the intended flavor of a Tootsie Roll. What exactly are they supposed to taste like? Chocolate? It isn't very fudge-y, but I enjoy this candy immensely. Sometimes I like the long skinny ones, sometimes the short and stout ones. Good thing they come in all shapes and sizes. Grade: A

In general, Halloween is a great holiday. In my opinion, no one is ever too old to go trick-or-treating, and no one is ever too old to pig out on a whole cache of mass-produced novelty goodies. Just one thing to keep in mind: when you start handing out treats yourself, don't be "those people". You know, the ones that hand out raisins, or toothbrushes, or religious pamphlets. All the cool kids will just skip your house. We want candy.

Sean Pezzini is a freshman with an undeclared major