Embracing my bitterness

"Now I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do, and just FLIP OUT!" - Jerry Maguire

These immortal words of Tom Cruise have no place in this column. I've listened to everybody be rational about all of the A-Rod stuff, and quite frankly, I've had enough. I know everything will be OK. But I'm angry. And I want to break something. And quite frankly, I just might flip out.

Since the whole A-Rod-Yankees talk started, just about once every fifteen minutes or so I've found myself stricken with an overwhelming need to puke.

And I definitely soiled myself after that press conference yesterday. Watching Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez talk about themselves as the dynamic duo is not something I ever, ever wanted to see.

If there was ever a moment when the universe should have spontaneously imploded, it was when A-Rod said that he wanted to see Jeter with ten world championships. Apparently it takes a bit more though. Maybe when Steinbrenner picks up Nomar next year to play second. Maybe then the universe will implode.

Because isn't that the next logical step? What else is left for this guy to buy? I bet he's seriously thought to himself on more than one occasion, "Ya know, if I buy every single team in baseball, then there will be no possible way for me to ever lose anything again." That's probably why he fainted this winter. The thought of always winning everything for the rest of time just made him so giddy he fell over.

Of course the thing that really steams my cabbage is that the Yankees did this whole deal in about three minutes. The stupid Red Sox spent two months talking about how freaking hard it was to make a deal involving this much cash, but good old George just reaches into the coffee jar on top of his fridge and gets everything done in like two seconds.

This has been the most frustrating turn of events since they stopped making DunkAroos. And what made it so frustrating was the way it all happened. This whole trade scenario was the entire history of the Red Sox franchise in microcosm. Everybody got all pumped up about something absolutely awesome happening, to the point where we were certain it would happen. It was just a mere formality, a matter of dotting some i's and crossing some t's, and A-Rod would be here. Then, before the smiles even left our faces, it's all over, and the stupid Yankees come in and ruin everything. I think I'm gonna go throw up again.

I hate this. Hate hate hate. I know it's not the end of the world. It's not even the end of the baseball season. I can't wait for the season because I love the team the Red Sox have. Plus it's just the silly nature of a Boston fan to get all giddy and googly eyed as soon as pitchers and catchers report. But something about all of this is making me chug bottles of Pepto.

Spin this thing any way you want, and it still boils down to one simple fact -- they got him and we didn't. And it's pissing me off. And it's not like the Red Sox didn't try. Oh they tried. And they could have had him if they had wanted to pony up the dough. But they didn't. Maybe that was smart, maybe it wasn't. But the facts remain; now A-Rod's a Yankee, and I no longer have control of my bowels.

And he's not even gonna play shortstop! This is just silly. I bet the conversation between Brian Cashman and George Steinbrenner went just about like this:

Cashman: Hey Boss, Aaron Boone's down and Drew Henson's a quarterback. What should we do at third?

Steinbrenner: Hmm, well who's the best player in the world?

Cashman: Well Alex Rodriguez, but he costs $252 million and he's a...

Steinbrenner: PERFECT!

I'm so bitter it's disgusting. I reek of bitterness. If you walk down the street and smell something bitter, it's me. I have bitter overflowing out of my pockets.

And it only makes sense that the player that would put just about any other franchise in financial handcuffs for the rest of time is barely even a blip on the Yankees' radar screen.

And don't you hate Tom Hicks? This guy's dumber than a sack of bricks. Only Tom Hicks can actually save money by paying a player $67 million not to play on his team. What an absolute moron. And he still has no pitching. I hate this.

Why did this have to work out so well? I wish there was something in this deal that made absolutely no sense, but it all works. It was perfect. Seamless. The Rangers free up about fifty bajillion dollars, and get a 40/40 man in Soriano, and the Yankees get the best player in baseball with a $252 million contract and only add $750,000 to their payroll. I think I might cry.

I know that this doesn't guarantee the Yankees anything. I know this. The Red Sox have better pitching. The A's have better pitching. And the Cubbies could pretty much out-pitch anyone even before they picked up Greg Maddux. But that's not the point. The point is I'm pissed.

And how about every Yankee fan that hated A-Rod two months ago for trying to back out of his contract just so he could go to a winning team? Where are all of those complaints now? I'm sorry, could you speak a little bit louder please? Of course they're not complaining anymore, because Yankee fans are the most hypocritical group of morons in the world. Man am I bitter.

So to answer your questions, no I don't think the Yankess are going to win the World Series. Yes I do still think that the Red Sox have a better than average chance. And yes, I do plan to sit here and piss and moan until the season starts.

And Alex Rodriguez looks dumb in pinstripes.