School of Schlock

Yeah. So if you happened to read my first column, you may have noticed that it ended rather abruptly. Apparently, my column was cut off by mistake. Whatever. Everyone makes mistakes. That being said, let's return to our regularly scheduled programming.

I went to that Robert Randolph show last week. I had never heard his music before. As part of my mid-senior-year crisis, I figured it would be good to get out and be part of the "Tufts community," so I headed down to Dewick for what would prove to be a good old-fashioned hootenanny.

It was good to see all the potheads out of their rooms. Sometimes I forget what a big crowd of hippies there are at Tufts. I don't mean to use the word hippy in a derogatory way. But if you own anything that is tie-dyed or made of hemp or if you still like to hackey-sack then you are a hippy. You know who you are. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Just accept it and go roll around in the mud.

The show was entertaining. Robert Randolph, as hyped up to me by some of my Phish-loving friends, was really sick. I don't mean that he was a good guitar player. He was actually sick. He had the flu. Randolph was nasty, though. My only complaint is that all his songs would end and everyone would start clapping. And then he would do like five more endings and make everyone feel stupid for clapping in the first place.

And now it's time for me to finally stop rambling. Let me instead begin what will be a common theme in this column -- unfair generalizations. That being said, here are all the different kinds of dancers I encountered at the Robert Randolph show or any jam-band event:

The Head-Boppers: This is the group that I proudly represent. When Randolph would do a slow song that I wasn't really getting into, I'd do a polite little head-bop. If the band started playing a song I enjoyed, I might throw in a couple knee-bends. That's as far as I'll go. It's not that I didn't enjoy the Randolph show, but I'm a lazy guy. I have a big problem standing for an hour to begin with. That's why I got annoyed when Randolph wanted the audience to clap along with him. My hands were still tired from his last three-minute song ending. At one point, he wanted the audience to sing along with Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." I was like three when that song came out. No one knows the words to that song except for the first line of the chorus. "Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one. But the kid is not my son." There -- that's all anyone knows. Now leave me alone and play.

The Crazy Hippie Idiots: Here's the group that annoys me. These are the people that go completely ape-shizznat. And it's not all hippies -- just the crazy idiot ones. For instance, there was one part in the concert where the violin player in the band incorporated the theme from "Beverly Hills Cop" into one of their jam-sessions. I thought that was cool. I was knee-bending and everything. All of a sudden, some guy comes skipping past me and flailing his limbs around like he's Forquin the Little Goblin Boy. He scared the crap out of me. Unless you are on some serious drugs, that behavior is unacceptable.

The Inappropriate Dancers: Sadly enough, the crazy hippie idiots do fit in at these jam-band shows. We head-boppers just have to deal with them. But then there are the people that do dances that have no place at a jam-band show. I saw a couple doing some ballroom dancing. Other couples were grinding. I guess grinding is okay. Anytime a girl will let you get up in her grill is an opportunity worth jumping on. But otherwise, act like everyone else. Conform, dammit.

The Fakers: These people are dedicated to putting forth more effort than the head-boppers. Usually, they are surrounded by a bunch of their crazy hippie idiot friends. They try to make their dancing look normal, but they have an uncomfortable facial expression like they smell a piece of doodie. The fakers try too hard to conform. They need to accept the fact that their friends are weird and join me and my head-bopping brethren.

And with that I'll conclude my second column. I think this one went well. I was able to cut down on the mindless rambling. Plus I was able to make fun of a lot of people. I just hope that the Daily doesn't once again