Revenge of the nerds

The year was 1999. I was a na??ve high school senior with a gleam in my eye and a song in my heart. That song was "Pass the Toilet Paper" by the Outhere Brothers. I was applying to college and was reading up on and visiting a bunch of potential schools. It wasn't long before I realized the school that would be a perfect fit for me: Brown University. But I didn't get in there. So it was off to another liberal school with fewer hippies and the fine city of Boston nearby: Tufts University.

I arrived at Tufts in September of 1999 wearing a hideous khaki hat that said "Tufts 2004" on it. It was one of those hats with the buckle in the back. Tufts sent it to me as a gift when I accepted their invitation to join their next class. I heard that Brown sent out a cool-looking sweatshirt. But that wasn't important. Because I was at Tufts and I was ready to tackle my fate head-on.

Earlier that year I went to April Open House and met some of my prospective classmates. They immediately started debating the meaning of "The Matrix." I was worried. I stood there on the academic quad surveying my new surroundings. Many thoughts were entering my head. The first was, "Why does the Jumbo statue have a scrotum?" Then I had some other thoughts. I thought, "I wonder what my classmates will be like. Will they be like those Open House guys or will they be more like me?"

Now I have other thoughts. I wonder to myself if I were a high school senior now, in 2004, with the same credentials I had back in 1999, would I still get into Tufts? I scored in the high 1300's on my SATs and was 37th in a class of 320. Not bad. But every year the qualifications for getting into Tufts get increasingly strict. Each year, the number of applicants to Tufts increases, and the average SAT scores, GPAs, and class standings of accepted students increase along with it.

What does it take to get those great scores and grades? A lot of work, a lot of studying, and a lot of sacrificing of free time. There are many people at Tufts who can proudly say that while their classmates were goofing off in high school, they were working their asses off so they could get into a reputable school. Now that they are finally here, what do they with their time?

They spend it in the library. And for some people, that makes sense. If you plan on applying to grad school, grades are very important. But what about people like me? I have no career path. I have no goals or dreams. I'm an English major. If I get a B instead of an A, what are the consequences? Nothing. I'm not going to get a worse job if I have a 3.0 instead of a 3.3. So a lot of the time I goof off instead of doing work. I watch TV, I write lousy scripts, I drink with my friends, I chat on Instant Messenger, I play video games, and I jerk off. Sometime I do these things even when I have work due. And I really don't care.

"Andy," you might say. "Your parents are paying $40,000 a year so that you can get an education. When you cut a class, it costs your parents $500 so you can sit on the roof of your house and get high." Yeah. So what? One day I'm going to have kids, and I'm going to be paying $80,000 a year while my kids do things that will probably be even worse than what I do. I'm gettin' while the gettin's good. And, baby, it's good.

There's a lot of fun to be had on campus. It's not as dead as you think. And it doesn't always involve drinking, drugs, or promiscuous sex. Though I do support those things. There's many opportunities for debauchery or, if you'd prefer, some good-natured fun.

Either way, my message is clear: GET THE HELL OUT OF THE LIBRARY. CUT CLASS. HALF-ASS YOUR WORK. GET A B INSTEAD OF AN A. CHILL OUT. RELAX ALL COOL. SHOOT SOME B-BALL OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL. THESE ARE THE BEST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIVES. IF YOU WORK YOUR WHOLE LIFE AND RETIRE A MILLIONAIRE, THOSE NEXT FOUR YEARS WILL NOT COMPARE TO THESE SO STOP OVERACHIEVING AND JOIN THE DARK SIDE.

Phew. See you next week, everyone.