Full name: Alex Charles Gardner
Nick name: Cock-tip
Hometown: Waltham, Mass.
Birth date: June 3, 1982
Zodiac Sign: f*%$ you
Favorite Athlete: Disco Dan Coleman
Height: 6-1
Weight: 200
Reach: 11 inches "extended," 5.5 in a warm shower
Full name: Andrew Scott Katzenberg
Nick name: LB, Goose, extra-medium, Balco
Hometown: mean streets of Baltimore, Md.
Birth date: April 6, 1982
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Favorite Athlete: Mel Gibson
Height: 5-6
Weight: 135 (Bantam Division)
Reach: 6 inches "extended," 8 inches with dumbbells on
It's official. Welcome to the first annual Seven Questions battle - it's on - somebody will get served. In the red corner we have the champion, Alex Gardner. His previous 7 Questions incited riots a touch smaller than those that gay marriage sparked. In the blue corner, we have Andy Katzenberg. His previous Seven Questions did not get anybody mad except for Marcellus Rolle. I'm pleased to announce, however, that they are friends again.
This could be the first time two Caucasian heavyweights have fought for any title in sports history. Believe me, this could be the greatest event in Tufts Daily history. "This battle between two of the Caucasianiest Caucasians on Tufts campus will be magnanimous, splendiferous, and beauteous," Don King said. "I would skeet skeet all over the opportunity to promote these two lyrical greats."
I caught up with Gardner and Katzenberg at Dewick dining hall. We ate some food, but then it all broke loose when they had a butter knife fight; naturally Seven Questions followed.
1. Whose previous 7 Questions experience was better, and why?
Gardner: Obviously mine was better because Goose pissed off only one group, but I managed to piss off everybody on campus worse than a case of flaming hemorrhoids.
Katzenberg: I don't know what Gardner's talking about, I speak the truth. Marcellus Rolle is the only black kicker in America ... even Grambling has a white kicker.
2. If for some random reason you two were on Black Entertainment Television (BET) in a freestyle battle, how would you make the other pee in his pants?
K: Yeah I went to private school, I do drive a Saab, and I even enjoy golf shorts ... but don't let the smooth taste fool you, I'm from the streets.
G: I can't rhyme and won't pretend to, so if I wanted to make Andy piss his pants I probably would just pick him up and squeeze him ... and maybe shake him like a baby.
3. Although neither of you can play basketball, how would a one-on-one game go down?
K: I'd use my 4.2 track speed to blow right by him and then I'd have sex with his girlfriend while eating a Snickers bar.
G: First of all Katz doesn't have any track skills ... kid spends more time in the training room then on the track. Second of all if I had a girlfriend, she would beat him up in the sack. As for a one-on-one match, LB is so little he belongs on a key chain. So how do you think a b-ball game would go?
4. I happened to catch both of you in action during Senior Week. Gardner seemed to be fairing well, but Katzenberg was in a distant second in "Pimphandability." Why was one so good and the other so-so?
G: Refer to the pictures above.
K: My girlfriend was cock-blocking me the whole time.
5. Both of you have lived with me -- how?
K: Two reasons: One, I put the down payment on your little aqua-machine. And two, I'm not allergic to any of the dogs you brought back to the room.
G: On the rooming application I forgot to check the box that I didn't want to live with any fat kids -- Ell, I love you like Donkey loves Shrek.
6. How do you two want your legacies remembered at Tufts?
G: I think it's best for the Tufts community if everybody just forgets I went here. My presence here can only make things worse for this school.
K: First they have to put a picture of me up in the gym, followed by daily marathons of Jumbo Love Match, and then one of Elliott's fat little groupies serving me carrot juice in a French Maid outfit.
7. Are your parents going to be embarrassed after reading this?
G: After 22 years I've pulled more crap then my parents can handle, so at this point I don't think much embarrasses them. Seriously though just want to thank Sandy and Steve-O for everything that they've done for me and I love you very much.
K: My parents think I'm an a-hole, they tell me every time I go home, so I don't think they will be very surprised with what I'm saying right now. In all honesty, they know what I'm saying is just for fun and that I love them very much and only want to bring them respect.
