Hi there. I'm Andy Zatz. This is my last column. So far, so good.
Tufts announced recently that one of its fraternities, Delta Tau Delta (DTD), will become a dry house for the next year. In response, a DTD brother named Jonathan Alpert wrote a viewpoint that appeared in the Tufts Daily ("University administration targets Delta Tau Delta again," 05/03) that accused the administration of being unfair.
Tufts had launched an investigation after receiving what DTD claimed to be a forged email. Alpert complained that the investigation was unjustified because it was based on false evidence.
At the end of his article, Alpert wrote, "Personally, having had my college experience attacked twice by the administration, I will never donate a cent of my earnings to Tufts. It is amazing that the Tufts administration wonders why the school's endowment is so small. Perhaps the University should stop creating discontented students, for discontented students become non-donating alumni."
The same day that Alpert's article was published, deli-style numbers were given out early to let students reserve their place in line to purchase Senior Week tickets in order to diffuse the crowds who would otherwise camp out. Through a barrage of cell phone calls, class ditching, and line cuttings, Tufts seniors rushed to Gantcher to receive their place tickets.
Many students were outraged. Tufts gave seniors no prior warning about the early ticket distribution, and many students who had been planning on camping out all night were cut in front of by students who had been planning on shuffling in when the tickets went on sale. I heard a guy behind me in line yell, "Tufts just lost my endowment!"
This really annoyed me, as did the conclusion of Jonathan Alpert's viewpoint. Clearly, Tufts' comparably small endowment is a serious problem. Many of my classmates like to blame this difficulty on the general unhappiness among Tufts students. "My frat got put on probation!" "I didn't get tickets to Jake Ivory's!" "Spring Fling got cancelled last year!" "The cops broke up my party!" "My professor wouldn't bump my B+ up to an A- even though I tried really, really hard!" "Well, screw this place! Tufts isn't getting one red cent from me after I graduate. My parents already paid $160,000 for my tuition. That's more than enough."
Is it? Can Tufts maintain a certain level of academic quality without a significant endowment? Harvard's endowment is $18.3 billion. Tufts' endowment currently stands at $677 million. Why the disparity? Why does Harvard have such a larger endowment? It must be because they don't put frats on probation. Or maybe it's because they give out their Senior Week tickets more efficiently. Harvard doesn't screw over its students and try to take away their right to party. That's why their graduates are so inclined to give.
Bullsh*t. Here's the reason why Harvard has a greater endowment: most of the people that graduate from Harvard make more money than Tufts graduates. Therefore, they have more money to blow. They give to Harvard, Harvard subsequently becomes an increasingly better school than Tufts, and its graduates become even richer.
"Well, that's not fair. That's just money making money; the rich getting richer." Yeah. Duh. We're graduating from a very reputable school, so I hope that by now we've all learned that life isn't fair. If you are graduating from Tufts, you've probably fallen on the better end of life's unfairness.
So deal with it. Stop whining. You all sound like the girl from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" who wants an Oompa-Loompa now, Daddy! Stop threatening not to contribute. Because, one day, you're going to have kids, and them getting into college is going to be way more difficult than it was for us. So if you want Tufts to look fondly on your kid, you'll give back - if not financially, then through participation in the alumni network. That's the way it works. If you don't like it, run for president (or vote for Nader). Otherwise, saddle up, partners. It's time for the real world.
Now that I've finished being all political, I have some space to say goodbye. I would like to thank the Daily for giving me the opportunity to write my weekly column. Thanks to my editors who tirelessly worked to maintain the integrity of what I write. Most importantly, thank you to my readers: my mom, who read my first column and wondered if I really did walk in on her and my dad having sex. The guy who wrote me a hilarious page-long e-mail in response to a column making fun of a concert, in which he said that if he ever saw me at a concert, he would spit blood in my face. The girl who came up to me at a frat party and yelled at me for my misogynist comments in a column I wrote about frat parties. The people I randomly see that say, "Nice column." My friends who read my columns before I submit them and fake laugh at them to make me feel better.
I love you all. I don't care if you disagree with me or hate me. I'm just glad some people actually read this crap. I genuinely wish all of my classmates the best of luck in all their post-undergrad endeavors (unless you're competing with me for Law Review, in which case I will crush you like the insignificant bugs that you are). Goodbye, everyone.
