Listen ladies, there is a grave problem occurring on campus these days. I'm sorry it has come to a head like this, but this unfortunate situation has raged on long enough. As your peer, I cannot allow a matter of such magnitude to continue unbridled and unacknowledged like bogus weapons of mass destruction any longer. This is not a matter of social disparity, staunch feminism, or sexual persecution we are looking at here. In fact, some may deem it considerably more disheartening than any of the aforementioned concerns.
The problem is rampant. Everyday, across the Tufts community, females are committing distressingly disturbing choices. I am not just targeting students. Professors, library staff, administration officials, T.A.'s, Health Services, OneSource, Dining Services - you are all constantly falling victim to a severe fashion blunder of UNSLIGHTLY PANTY LINES. And it must cease.
There is a seemingly uncontrollable epidemic occurring here. I see it at the gym, at the Campus Center, at parties and in my degenerate senior math class. Why, girls, are you choosing to place lines on something so wholesome and pristine? Do you realize how many people, both male and female, are checking out your ass each day? Multiple times a day? Multiple times a minute? Sadly, it is a reality with which you need to reconcile. This is one of those primal aspects of nature where we are involuntarily drawn to check out each other's assets, for means of competition, curiosity, or both.
I am not going to lie. If I have seen you, I have assessed your ass (no pun intended this time). And I think I've done enough trials now to know that we have a crisis here. Thus, these regrettable circumstances have forced me to call for a school-wide panty line referendum. No longer should people have to cringe at the sight of unnecessary lines contaminating nice supple asses.
What is the solution you ask? Yup, you and Sisqo guessed it. Unleash your inner Britney and put on a Thong-Th-Thong-Thong-Thong. That minuscule concoction of fabric does wonders for the ass. It is the best of both worlds as you courageously walk the fine line of going commando and going granny. It allows your ass to exist in public, as its true self, unaccompanied and untainted by suffocating material constructs (except those of your pants of course).
Don't get me wrong, though. I am not publicly condemning anything non-thong. I own my fair share of full-assed underwear. But depending on my daily ensemble, I consistently make a conscious effort to forgo anything that would suggest underwear lines on my ass or otherwise. And so should you.
Uncomfortable, you say? The First Commandment in the proverbial Fashion Book clearly states that BEAUTY IS PAIN. That is why you wear excruciatingly painful stilettos when it is five degrees below freezing and there is ice on the ground. So do yourself a favor, and make sure the next time you enter public domain, no one has to cringe at the deplorable spectacle of unsightly panty lines.
As Evan Cochran recently pointed out in a previous column, some things are just not worth drawing lines over.
Nicole Kolinsky is a senior majoring in political science
