In previous columns, I discussed subjects such as drugs, sex and partying at Tufts. What I failed to mention about these things, however, is that they all cost money. And while its difficult to gyp a prostitute, drug dealer or liquor store, I have found that there are ways to save money in other areas of collegiate life.
I'm the type of person that usually has no money, and when I do, I always spend it within a few days on cheap laughs and keeping it loose. Although this relative poverty is a pain in the ass, it has taught me many lessons. Chief among them is that anything having to do with Tufts is a rip-off, but if you're smart, you can learn a way to work the system here to your benefit. With these following tips, anyone with some balls and very little money can live comfortably at Tufts.
There are two things that every college student absolutely needs: food and alcohol. While getting free booze is hard, getting free food is easy. This school is full of dining halls, cafeterias and other places where students eat for free. Hodgdon and the campus center are prime targets for hungry students looking for some free dinner. Usually you can just walk right out with your food problem-free, but if you are undetected, I'd recommend just making a run for it. You won't be able to come back for a while, but unless you're incapable of outrunning a middle-aged lunch lady, you'll be able to get away with at least one free meal. And if outrunning a lunch lady is really a problem for you, then maybe food itself is a bad idea in the first place.
Along with theft, freshmen are also key to eating cheaply. They're so valuable because they have so many meals. If you have a freshman friend, you can exchange beer runs for their meals. You get fed and the freshman gets drunk, and that way everyone wins.
Another way to get free food is by pretending to be Muslim. Every year the Muslim holiday Ramadan is supported by Tufts. Muslim students can exchange meals for points at about ten points per meal, in essence turning Tufts' own scam of charging ten dollars for a visit to its dining halls against itself. The best part is that they don't question whether or not anyone is in fact Muslim. There is no test or interview, instead you simply sign a form and exchange overpriced meals for useful points.
I'd also recommend playing poker because a good poker player at Tufts will never be broke. There are so many games around campus being played by kids with more money than skill that it's easy to turn your last ten dollars into a hundred. Zeta Psi also hosts hold 'em tournaments every few weeks, and even though they're hard to win, they're also good chances to win some bills.
The best way to get drunk without much money is not pleasant, but it is effective. A handle of cheap vodka is only about twelve dollars and a stolen bottle of juice from Hodgdon is free, and with these two things combined you can get your night going without breaking the bank. There have also been some decent parties on College Ave. since my last column I've heard; these are really the best way to have fun and drink for free. All you have to do is go and not be a dick.
I'm not a strong believer in living cheaply. In fact, cheap people piss me off more than any other group of rotten bastards. The end result of living extravagantly, however, is that you eventually run out of money and have to limit your spending. But this is no excuse to be cheap, instead it's an opportunity to be excellent and crafty. Just don't live off your friends. I repeat, do not live off of your friends by having them buy the thirty racks and your dinner. Live off Tufts instead. Tufts is not your friend. Like the government, Tufts is constantly trying to steal your money and pretend that it's doing otherwise. So have no guilt, fellow students, rob your school blind and reap the benefits of being a bandit king.
