Sex is a wonderful, zesty enterprise and it's only improved by spontaneity and the possibility of getting caught. Our campus is full of hidden places one can go to think alone, have a smoke, or if so inclined, practice the Dirty Santa with a friend.
As a senior, I've discovered, heard of and strived for many such places, and these are, in my humble opinion, the top ten.
10. South Hall Bathroom
The best thing about South isn't its exercise room or its proximity to the track, but its lockable bathrooms instead. Let's say you meet someone at a party but your roommate is asleep already because he has an early morning class. Are your hopes of getting laid over? Hell no, with South's numerous and lockable bathrooms you can get some privacy and not have to worry about getting caught with your pants down.
9. 50 Yard Line
This one's a classic, so I don't have to go into detail about the thrill of performing under the big lights. Instead I'd simply like to share a story my friend just told me. Here it is:
"So we walked past the football field and we were drunk, so we said what the hell, let's go "Dazed and Confused"-style. So we lay down and start getting busy, but after two minutes I look up and realize this guy had come onto the track, seen us and started doing laps around the track anyway."
"I thought to myself, this is weird, but I didn't want to stop, so I decided to see who would last longer -- me screwing or him jogging. He won eventually, but I did last for about a mile or so, which under the circumstances, I think is pretty good."
8. Wilson House Roof
A favorite of Wilson House residents, but also open to anyone willing to climb up the ladder on the backside of the house.
7. Squash Courts
Sometimes it's fun to let some balls fly in the squash court, especially when you've already worked up a sweat in the weight room. Not many people use the courts for squash, so it'd be stupid to let the courts go to waste. I'd recommend the court with the tiny door just for the sheer reason that it's fun to go through tight places.
6. President's Side Lawn
You know where I'm talking about, that little enclosed garden area next the President's house. This area features a bench, soft grass and chance to prove that even Larry "Death to Fun" Bacow can't keep a good man down.
5. Tisch Library
Hell, Tufts is a hard school and every now and then you gotta blow off some steam. There are seemingly hundreds of places in the library where Tufts kids can find a hidden place for a study break.
For example, the basement is a veritable jungle of towering book stacks. I'd recommend going to the section with books on 18th century tax reform or some other equally useless and boring section; that way you'll have some privacy.
Also, the meeting rooms are perfect if you can find an empty one, and if you're really daring, the media room on the third floor is both dark and sometimes uncrowded.
4. Roof of Zeta Psi
Just because Larry "I Hate Frats" Bacow closed Zeta doesn't mean the debauchery has to end. The roof of Zeta Psi, with its commanding view of Packard Ave, is a perfect place for some getting down. Just don't get caught bringing in any alcohol, otherwise TUPD will make an unwelcome "I'm here for the gangbang"-type appearance to the party.
3. Anywhere in Tilton
Especially if you're a senior. But if you're a freshman, it's still fun, because hey buddy, welcome to college.
2. Tisch Library Roof
It's kind of public, but it easily belongs on anyone's top ten list. A spectacular view makes sex twice as good, and plus, the roof is also one of the best places on campus for a post-sex smoke. What more could you ask for?
1. Fletcher Balcony
If the view from the library roof is spectacular, then the view from the Fletcher Balcony is phenomenal. Take the elevator up to the 7th floor and you'll see what I'm talking about. From the balcony, you can see the entire campus, Medford, Somerville and Boston off in the distance.
Nobody really goes up there, so I wouldn't worry about getting caught. All I ask is that before you leave, you lean over the side and scream "Down with the FCC" to your peers and anyone else listening.
So that's my top ten. I'm sure everyone has their own favorites, but I think this is a decent list. If anyone actually completes all ten, then drop me a line and I'll give a suitable reward: a couple of forties.
Just drop me a line, don't lie about it, and take a moment to reflect on the fact that you're getting rewarded for getting laid.
