Some American friends and I were enjoying lunch outside in the courtyard at my university, struggling through a Japanglish conversation with a Japanese friend of ours, when one of us told him that he was a very good friend to us.
His face registered an immediate expression of confusion and skepticism, and he let out one of those awkward-sounding laughs. "You all think you are my friend? You can't be my friend," he said.
Now it was our turn to be confused. He clearly wasn't making a joke or fooling around with us. Was it considered impolite to tell a Japanese person that you've known for two and a half months that he is a friend? Was the concept of friendship in Japan something totally unlike friendship in the States?
I went to my sociology teacher, whose class, "Thinking About Gender in Japan," I am enrolled in. I told her about my strange conversation with my friend, and she told me that this is something a lot of foreign students have trouble understanding when they come to Japan and start to meet people and make friends of the opposite sex.
Beginning around the middle school years, boys and girls in Japan are placed on two completely separate tracks in life. They are told that the most important thing for them at that moment is to succeed in school so they can later be accepted into a prestigious high school and, subsequently, matriculate into one of Japan's top universities. Parents and teachers make an extended effort to keep boys and girls away from each other, to avoid any distraction from their studies.
Coincidentally, there is a middle school and high school next to my campus, and every weekday morning, I am thrust into a throng of school children in Von Trapp family-esque uniforms. My friends and I started to notice the severe degree of separation between the girls and the boys. Very rarely will you see a boy and a girl talking to each other, and if you do, it's always one-on-one and never within a group. My sociology teacher explained that this means they are most likely dating, either openly or secretly -- almost never are they "just friends."
The separation of the genders eases as students continue onto high school and higher education, but it never really reaches the same level of friendship as in the States. To this day, according to my teacher, adult men and women are rarely friends with each other. The only occasion when men and women will get together and socialize with each other is either at a company dinner or when a couple hosts a dinner for other couples. Aside from those exceptions, it's almost guaranteed that you'll only see men talking together on the subways, and women out shopping together on the streets.
This explained my male Japanese friend's unusual reaction. I later decided to ask him more about it, out of plain curiosity. I asked him if he thought it was strange for a group of female peers to call him a friend, and he enthusiastically nodded, explaining that he doesn't really consider himself to have any female friends, except for his girlfriend.
I began to look around the courtyard with a more discerning eye during lunch breaks, and indeed, there was something askew about the situation. Although there were a few guys chatting with girls, they only did so in a group. On the whole, large circles of girls congregated in certain areas of the courtyard, and smaller groups of guys would goof around by themselves. To be quite honest, it felt like being at a high school dance, not at a university.
Perhaps even more curious is the way that Japanese men and women who are in relationships are completely taboo about it. I'm used to the usual mild PDA sighting around campus in the States -- holding hands, arms around waists, etc.
In Japan, however, even those kinds of actions are considered a bit scandalous, meaning that it's sometimes impossible to tell by a couple's interactions whether or not they are dating. During lunchtime, a couple will eat with their own same-sex friends. In the hallways, they won't walk together. It's only after school, when it's nearing dark outside and there aren't as many people around, that they will they meet up and have time to themselves.
This same male Japanese friend of mine has a very serious girlfriend who goes to our university as well, yet I have never seen her or met her because he does not go out of his way to find her during the school day and thinks it would be awkward for everyone.
When I explained that it's a completely different ball game in the States, he looked aghast and asked me how people could stand it.
"Everything is so under-wraps, so hidden here. Don't you ever get sick of being so secretive about some things in your life?" I asked him.
"No, never. It's how it should be. Relationships are personal. They are private and no one else's business," he said. "You should not change your normal life around just because you have a girlfriend or boyfriend."
I couldn't decide if this was the most bizarre or most mature statement I had heard in a long time. I thought it was bizarre because it's difficult for me to imagine many Americans being able to lead such a double life in complete secrecy.
On the other hand, I also thought it was mature because my friend's statement is something so infrequently uttered by people our age in the States, and is something to think about.
I had one more question for my friend, however. "So, if I can't be called your friend, what do you call me?" I asked.
He paused for a long time and finally said, "I don't know. Maybe something cool that they use in America a lot. Like, 'dude.' You are my Dude."
