It's Sunday afternoon, my column deadline was two hours ago, I just woke up, and I still have 22 non-column pages to write for tomorrow. So why, facing a mountain of work, would I put everything off until the very last second? Why did I not write my column yesterday to get it out of the way so that I could go study at the library, a place I cherish and adore? No it's not because I'm lazy. This time. Instead it's because I, a civilian or 'civvie,' spent the last few days at the United States Military Academy in West Point, New York.
But why? Why would a strapping young man, not unlike myself, from a fairly liberal university campus in the Northeast travel five hours through the most boring place on Earth (READ: Connecticut) in a car driven by a colleague we affectionately and nervously nicknamed Swervy McLeadfoot? It just does not make sense! Well I'll tell you why. It's because West Point was hosting 200 or so liberal, hippy, pinko college kids - again not unlike me - from all over this great land to engage in a conference on U.S. foreign affairs with the best of the best students the army had to offer. Below, because it's easier than actually writing a column, I've listed the top five things I learned from my few days at West Point.
1. The army loves acronyms. POV, MP, MRE, BFG, HDTV, you name it and the army has a different word or acronym for it. It's a little strange, but at the same time really cool. Instead of finals they have TEEs (Term End Examinations). Instead of tests they have WPRs (Written Partial Reviews). Instead of showers they have CDDSYGSUYBSTWSDSWHWTSTDBALHWV (Communal Don't Drop the Soap or You'll Get Something Up Your Butt Showers, and That's Why Saj Didn't Shower While He Was There Sure That's Disgusting But At Least He Wasn't Violated.) OK, I may have made one of those up, but you get the idea. Acronyms really make you feel like you know something normal people don't and that makes you feel special. And you pick them up fairly quickly. For example by Saturday I had this exchange with a cadet:
Me: "I got a CPT with my CPOC outside the ABA at 1600. We're going to SAMI the OPP for FCDT."
Cadet: "That made no sense."
2. The army never sleeps. Which I guess is comforting to know considering they protect us, but still. The cadets I stayed with would stay up until midnight and have to BIF (be in formation) by ten to seven six days a week. Ten to seven, IN THE MORNING. The last time I was awake at ten to seven I was just getting to bed. And of course while I was there I slept on a canvas army cot, which, on a scale of one to ten in terms of comfort, ranks somewhere between catheter insertion and pouring pepper in your eye. Needless to say, I slept great!
3. West Point cadets have it rough when it comes to the OS (opposite sex). When a male and female cadet are in a room alone the door must remain open at a ninety degree angle, and they cannot be sharing the same horizontal surface. I'm not joking about this either. PDAs (public displays of affection) are strictly forbidden and include even kissing, holding hands, dry humping, or oral sex. I know what you're thinking, how can these young men and women possibly live like this? The answer: they aren't human.
4. Just kidding. They're human. Which brings me to point four: West Point cadets are just like you and me, only a little bit crazy. Just normal kids trying to survive four years of a rigorous intellectual environment who also happen to be training them to be well-oiled killing machines. Case in point: On Friday night the cadets I was staying with were just going to spend a nice relaxing night ordering food from the local pizza place in lieu of going to the MH (mess hall) and watching a DVD. Sounds familiar doesn't it Tufts? But the twist? They were watching "The Stepford Wives." Who would order pizza with a bunch of guys and watch "The Stepford Wives?" Only guys who spend their days shooting assault rifles at Arab and Russian shaped targets, that's who.
5. People from Kansas can read. Yeah I'm surprised too. But seriously I met a number of cadets from the American South, and they weren't stupid. In fact, they were very intelligent. And they voted for George Bush. Weird, I know. In fact 85 percent of West Point, an academic institution that produces some of the best minds in the United States military, voted for George Bush. These are educated young people, not unlike you or me, presenting me with a different point of view on the election and on the candidates. While I may not have agreed with them, they presented their case politely and rationally which is more than I can say for some conservatives on this campus.
So there you have it: the United States Military Academy in five quick points. As much as I kid about the prison rape showers and the uncomfortable cots, I have a lot of respect for the institution and for the cadets. Now if you'll excuse me I have a GFD at ALV for my DRC.
