Tufts University, hear me. I just got an iPod. And it's awesome. It's a little, white, rectangular expression of my social worth, and I like that.
I like its button-less console. I like its little white earbud headphones. I even like the little clicking sound it makes. That sound is awesome. I'm not telling you this to make you jealous. Well, yes I am. But there's another, less gratifying, reason. My new iPod serves as a great segue into the topic of today's column, the library.
As a senior at this fine educational institution, I know where the library is. And sometimes I go there to rent movies, so I know my way around it pretty well. As midterm time just passes for most of us, and finals are more than a month away, I can only assume that most of you plan on staying away from the library for a few weeks.
Well, I got a message for you guys: You're missing out. Big time. The library is very fun place. I spend almost five or six nights a year there, that's how fun it is. Surely you are asking, "How do I make the library as fun as you say it is, supercool columnist guy?" Well you're in luck, because I've decided to provide for you young persons a number of measures you can adopt to make the biblioteca (or library) more like a discoteca (or discotheque).
1. If you're studying in a group (or grupo. Okay, I'll stop that) and one of the group members goes off to the bathroom, or to the computers, or to the Tower Caf?© to stare at the cute girl in the corner working on her geology paper and chewing on her pony tail (call me), quickly get up and move everything to another table. It will be amazing, I promise. Especially if you move downstairs (our library has two floors. At least!) Your stupid friend will be walking around forever being the lost idiot carrying around some pita chips and a cup of apple juice he
didn't want. Of course this does not work if you only move a few tables down, and I learned this through experience.
2. Play the "She wants me" game. This is a game that I am very proud to say a friend of mine and I invented almost by accident. A very attractive young lady walked by us one day and I looked across the table and said, "Dude, she wants me." My friend, in response, deadpanned, "Yeah, she totally does." And the phenomenon was born. That's actually all there is to the game, but trust me, it's very fun. The trick is to make sure you say it for every girl who walks by, without fail: librarians, graduate students, lepers - every girl. It really is an incredible time. Plus you're bound to be right eventually. Of course I am a gender egalitarian in every sense of the word. There is nothing wrong with playing the "He wants me" game. In fact, I'd be flattered.
3. This may be my favorite as it actually involves some effort. Get to the library early in the morning, and I'm talking really early, like 11:30 a.m., and find an empty study room. Cover two of the chairs with coats, open some textbooks and leave a coffee mug or two lying around. Then park yourself in one of the carrels nearby and watch a stream of hopeful and then ultimately disappointed people filter through. You know who I'm talking about, the people who anxiously peek into the room and then turn around dejected as if they were eight years old and just found out Toys 'R' Us was closed.
4. Keep the volume of your personal audio equipment at a manageable level. This includes not only the aforementioned iPods, but CD players and computers as well. The Windows start up sound I do enjoy, but come on people, just turn the volume down on your laptops before you leave home. Next time I'm breaking it, I don't care what color Inspiron Steve the Dell guy told you to buy. And if you decide to play your CD or mp3 player at a level where you are violating the RIAA standards against music sharing, at least play something good. The other day I could hear a guy's iPod blasting Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews? Sorry dude, it's not 1997. Classic rock, underground hip hop, progressive house, and Chumbawumba exhaust the list of acceptable music. That way if someone asks you to turn it down you can say, "Hey man, this is underground hip hop," or something else a music snob who listens to underground hip hop would say.
3. Never go into the Hirsch Reading Room unless you are serious about getting down to business. It's a very strange place, and if you are not mentally prepared, it will break you. In a way, it's like a prison with its grassroots social hierarchy and the perverse erotic sense of brotherhood it instills within you. You go through your worst with these people, and that does something to a person. You know your day has come in the Hirsch Reading Room when some freshmen are sitting at your table and they scatter as you enter as if you were going to buy one of them for a carton of cigarettes. It's like in "Escape from Alcatraz" when Clint Eastwood works his way up the social pyramid to sit with the bad ass guys at the very top of the bleachers on the prison playground. Clint earned his respect out there, and if freshmen are scattering for you, you have too.
There you have it, five easy tips to make your next trip to the library fun. I'm not saying they are for everyone, but they should be. So next time you're in the library and you're moving your friend's things across the library or setting up the decoy study room, think of me. And remember the cute girl writing her geology paper in the Tower Caf?©? She wants me.
