We all know by now that no one ever actually landed on the moon. We also know the puffy white trails that planes leave when they fly across the sky are really sedatives that the government is filling the air with so the people don't get all uppity. But what many of us have yet to discover is the conspiracy going on right here at Tufts University. This may sound crazy at first, but read on and you will become convinced that Tufts is not a college, but a new reality television show.
Think about it: there are a remarkable number of blonde girls from Connecticut at this school. Colleges are all about diversity. If Tufts were really a university, would they admit 1,500 of the same people? It is more likely that when sitting around the table discussing new ideas for reality TV series, the producers of some network decided to make a fake college. Their plan would be to take 4,000 actors and 1,000 unsuspecting teenagers, put them together for four years, and see what went down.
They probably laughed, imagining how all the normal kids would deal with 4,000 incredibly snobby, rich people. They probably wondered how long the real students could take it before all dropping out.
This theory would explain quite a few things about our school. It would explain why a large portion of our class seems to be exactly the same person. It would explain why all of last year you kept seeing that one guy and that one girl everywhere you went, until you finally figured out that it's just that everyone at this school looks the same. If I had a dollar for every boy I see with a pink polo shirt and a popped collar, and a quarter for every girl I see wearing Uggs and a tiny skirt even in freezing temperatures, I would have enough money to pay my tuition next year. Or I would have as many dollars as North Face fleeces I see in the dining hall every morning.
Tufts being a reality television show would also explain the differences between us and other colleges. No famous people have gone to Tufts. True, we had Jessica Biel, but is it really that hard to believe that she would play along in the scheme for a small amount of cash? The girl gets her paychecks from the WB, so she's obviously lacking in the morals department. She is the only well-known person to go here, because the school was only actually formed a few years ago for this experiment.
For those of you whose friends claim that their parents and grandparents went to this school, I have news for you: they are lying. Stop being friends with them now, before they learn all your secrets and talk about them on national television. Also, why do you think all the families in Medford and Somerville hate Tufts students? It's because the network sponsoring our show bought out their land and threatened to make them move unless they would agree to keep silent about their crazy plan. As a result, they are a bitter group of people.
Most of you will probably have trouble accepting this, since you're probably happy in this little Ugg-filled Connecticut world. But think about it - this many snobby rich girls could not possibly end up in one place through mere coincidence. Besides, what will happen on graduation day, when this sick conspiracy comes out in the open and we are all given television release forms rather than diplomas?
You'll be stuck with a boyfriend and three best friends who were secretly actors. The relationships you formed in college, which you were supposed to keep for the rest of your life, were fake. You will have no diploma and the only thing on your resume will be a four-year long stint on a reality television show. You'll look back and wonder how you possibly could have overlooked it all, when it was published right here in the Daily. You will realize that you should have listened to that crazy girl with the conspiracy theories.
So think about it now, while you still have a chance to get out. And next year, when I don't come back here and they say I dropped out or developed medical problems, don't believe them. I was taken prisoner by the network. Please come save me.
Steph Schnur is a sophomore majoring in political science.
