A sleek black sports car was stolen from President Bacow's parking lot this morning. Witnesses say the car was driven by campus revolutionary and bon-vivant Johnny College, who strangely enough was wearing a top hat covered in chains and singing "I Shall Be Released" in a loud, unruly voice that terrified the men on the scene and weakened the knees of all females present.
A positive ID was also made on his passenger later that day. None other than Daily columnist Evan Keane Cochran was spotted alongside Johnny College in the passenger seat, wearing black sunglasses and throwing eggs towards President Bacow's residence, all the while asking Mrs. Bacow to come out "for a little spin." Witnesses say the one-time columnist seemed ecstatic in his lawlessness, and may have snapped. The car, which is described by its owner Mr. Pierre Omyidar as "a real piece of ass that guzzles Iraqi blood" and capable of making it to Guatemala in under a day, ripped out of President Bacow's parking lot in a flurry of sparks and was last seen going top speeds up College Avenue towards highway I-93 and beyond. All that was left of the pair that dazzled and amazed Tufts campus this semester were tire marks and a sealed envelope with "to you people" written on it in Cochran's handwriting. The letter reads:
I tried to teach you people some things with my column over the course of this semester, and would like to think that I've succeeded. I've told you that drugs aren't something to hate someone over and that the T's bizarre schedule leads to drunk driving. I've let you know about the best places to get lucky on campus and how to overcome the lack of a party scene at Tufts, I've campaigned for my friend Johnny College and also told you to just be yourself. Now some of you hated what I wrote and wanted me dead, which is mutual and fair enough, and yet others dug it and wanted to be my friend on TheFacebook.
The fact is that I don't care. I've learned some things myself during my tenure as a columnist, and chief among them is that the people who hated me were small-minded cowards and might be working for the government. And so to all you people, for shame. Your arguments were flimsy and your ideas were ominous in their stupidity, unoriginality and admonishments to follow the status-quo. So I hope you enjoy your respective trips towards the middle and please let me know once you've bought your first purple minivan and matching sports coat.
And the people on TheFacebook were just strange, that's it. While I appreciated the interest, I was still a little freaked out that you wanted to be my friend in some strange internet hive community that seems more geared towards helping stalkers hunt their prey than introducing me to new friends that like doing the things that I do (papier-mache and origami on peyote). So I don't even know what to say to you; I guess just thanks for the thumbs-up but remember that sex with a computer is wrong and, at least for the time being, frowned upon.
And to the great silent majority that never read my column or thought twice about it, thank you. There were many more interesting things going on in the world than what some degenerate was writing in a student newspaper this last semester, and you realized this and never took me seriously. In all honesty, everything I wrote was rushed and nothing more to me than practice for the thing that I love the most - writing. The fact that so many people reacted so strongly for and against what I had to say was quite frankly terrifying. It seems to me that anyone with halfway decent writing skills can convince a large group of people to either hate, idolize, or at the very least just listen to him. And so I guess my last lesson to you is that you should always look at the big picture and not get caught up in all the bullcrap, especially when the bull himself never was.
Sincerely,
Evan Keane Cochran
Johnny College
