I thought, in honor of Friday's Naked Quad Run ... excuse me, Nightime Quad Reception ... I would lay out for you the 10 women athletes I would most like to see run naked. Sorry, Marion Jones, but you are disqualified for obvious reasons. BALCO? No, silly, it's those dang teeth. OK, Number - wait, this isn't FHM? Oh, here I was thinking I was writing for a VH1 List Show and now I'm stuck writing a sports column. Alright, what do you want to hear? Ten male athletes you want to see run naked? Yeah, sorry, I can only think of one and his name is Warren Sapp. But that's neither here nor there.
So down which avenue can I go and still hold your attention without your mind wandering into thoughts of hordes of folks shuffling around like cattle in West Hall as they inadvertently (or advertently in some cases) touch uglies? Where else then to the dream world of sports movie debating. But more specifically, pretend athlete debating. Alright, out with it. Who was the better quarterback: Steamin' Willie Beamen ("Any Given Sunday") or Frank Cushman ("Jerry Maguire")?
Let's talk about Cushman first. He is a 20-year-old super prospect (played by Jerry O'Connell of fat kid in 'Stand by Me' fame) out of Texas. We are led to believe that this boy can play, but in the only playing clip we see of this cat he looks like Steve Young. If Young were to throw righty. I've seen option quarterbacks with a better release, but it's a movie (one of which I am an unabashed fan - and yes, I know it's a chick flick) so we have to suspend our disbelief. I mean, San Diego and Denver are drooling over this kid (Surf or ski?), and our title character flips through radio stations like a school girl after he thinks he has Cush locked up as a client. So we must believe what we have not really seen. Gotta love movies.
But there are some unanswered questions about Cush. Like, where did he go to school? Is he the real deal because he amassed some crazy amount of passing yards at Texas Tech like Kliff Kingsbury or BJ Symons? For all we know, he is straight out of high school. This is the same guy who played high school washup Trent McNeely ("Can't Hardly Wait" anyone?), so who knows.
Cush also might have a little bit of a racist streak to him, something that doesn't fly in most walks of life and certainly would not go over well in the predominantly black NFL. What would his top receiver think were he to hear that Cush's father had given up on an agent because he was giving too much attention to "the black fella" (as he accuses Jerry of doing with Rod Tidwell)? Cush would be on thin ice early. And let's not forget the loyalty issues his father puts on display. "My word is stronger than oak" turned out to be a farce - does the apple fall not far from the tree?
But Cush may be more intelligent than we give him credit for. If I'm not mistaken, he chooses to surf (San Diego) over ski (Denver). I would be willing to say that this is a decision Eli Manning should have made in this year's draft. But his choice consisted more of "surf or get chewed up and spit out by the entire NY/NJ region." Cush had the tougher decision and made the right one. He plays guitar and writes his own songs, such as the "Cushlash" piece, one of the sillier moments in movie history.
And then we have Jamie Foxx's Beamen. While Cushman gets a bad case of "Cushlash" from seeing himself on "the big TV again" in Times Square, Beamen would complain that there isn't enough of him up there. While not quite a Michael Vick type, because he was not highly touted either coming out of college (or while in the league, for that matter) there certainly is a Willie Beamen Experience when he is in the game (It's not in the playbook, but it shouuuuld be ... love it) And he gains a Vick-esque appeal once he finally gets his chance, as evidenced by Met-Rx commercials (complete with his own rap) and Sports Illustrated covers.
But this battle is not about glitz, though both provide a great deal. Who is the better field general ... that is the brass tacks argument. Willie changed plays in the huddle, basically handing himself the ball and drawing the ire of LL Cool J and Bill Bellamy's characters. Once you have '90s MTV veejays and bad UPN sitcom stars against you, who else do you turn to? And he puked on the field to boot. Hard to have faith in a puker.
But Steamin' Beamen comes around in the end in the final climactic win, and he also scores major loyalty points. Following Al Pacino's coach D'Amato to Albuquerque is just a little cooler than the "Testaverde and Parcells Across America" tour. But couldn't he have gotten with Miss Pagniacci (Cameron Diaz)? Cush would have.
The Tale of the Tape: Somewhere in the "Jerry Maguire" universe, Cush is a bust, on par with Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith and Tim Couch. Beamen has proven he can come through - he even won a playoff game. So it's not even a contest, right? Beamen will throw some costly picks, but I give him the nod.
You know what? Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah, former Ohio State QB, is better than either of them, bum knee and all. "Point Break." Wow, now that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
Tim Whelan is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached via e-mail at timothy_w.whelan@tufts.edu.
