March Madness has returned. The brackets are filled. The fun starts now.
You know why they call it madness? Because of people like me, who agonize on Cinderellas and sleepers. We go out on limbs. We make claims. And then we pull our hair out for a month (I don't need haircuts in March).
Last night as I sat debating the "strength" of Washington as a number one seed (WARNING: Don't pick them!), I got pretty fed up with my friend's cocksure attitude and unabashed confidence in the Pacific Northwest team. So I made a wager.
I'm known to make monetary wagers from time to time, but March Madness is the real deal. I don't mess around. So we made a real bet. If the Huskies make the Final Four (which they won't), I will be eating my bracket. Yes, I do mean the piece of paper. I get barbecue sauce to dip it in (it's my preferred condiment). And to wash it down? Warm milk mixed with warm V8 and a teaspoon of hot sauce (because it's the Albuquerque region).
But if Washington misses the Final Four, it's bon appetit for my friend (who still prefers to be called a consigliere). He chose Velveeta for his condiment and gets the same beverage.
Sure, the odds are in my favor. I get fifteen teams while my friend gets one. But that's March Madness. My friend is still willing to bet because he thinks he's right (and he's arguably insane). Infallibility is essential to truly enjoying the Madness.
You need a sense of infallibility because picking brackets is an art. Only the veritable aficionados can masterfully foresee how the tournament will break down. Not everyone is a college hoops fanatic. Procrastination, however, has enabled yours truly to waste inordinate amounts of time this winter following college basketball. I'm pretty sure I'm an expert now (but without cries of "DIAPER DANDY BABY!!).
And since I'm such a generous person, I'm going to give you, my loyal readers, some insight into this year's bracket, entirely free of charge. When you're collecting your earnings from your pool with your buddies, you can thank me.
I've developed some general rules to ease the process. Some of you may question my methods. And, frankly, you have every right. I picked three out of the final four teams last season though. So go ahead. Be your own man (or woman assuming females read my column ... which would be downright awesome).
1. The Big East, the ACC, and the Big 12 are your legitimate conferences this season. When deciding on your Sweet 16 picks, look for teams from these conferences because they're the best teams and they play the best teams.
2. The SEC, the Pac-10, and the Big Ten are trash. The competition in these conferences is over-hyped. Teams from these conferences will get you in trouble. Of course there are exceptions. Illinois is one of my final four teams. They'll meet Arizona (because of Salim Stoudamire and Channing Frye) in the Elite Eight. But Kentucky, Florida, and the SEC will hurt you. And you know my thoughts on Washington.
3. Conference USA will screw you. I've lost count of how many times Bob Huggins and Cincinnati have come up short. My exception this year is Louisville because of Francisco Garcia, Taquan Dean, coach Rick Pitino and the fact that the team has won 18 of its last 19 games. I'll still probably get screwed picking them for the Elite Eight. I have some history with bracket eating thanks to the good 'ole CUSA. I attested that under no circumstances would Marquette upset Kansas and make the 2003 Final Four. But the CUSA screwed me and Kansas and Roy Williams let me down, which brings me to my next point ...
4. Stay away from Roy Williams and good coaches with bad tourney records (Williams has never won a national title, despite having some of the best players in the country). That means keep clear of Bob Huggins (Cincinnati), Jim Boeheim (Syracuse), and Williams (UNC) and embrace coaches with good tourney records like Lute Olsen (Zona), Mike Krzyzewski (Duke), and Bob Knight (Texas Tech). Then again, embrace Bob Knight at your own risk. He might throw a chair at you. I'm breaking my own rule picking Williams and UNC to win it all. Rashad McCants, Raymond Felton, Jawad Williams, and Sean May are just too talented to keep Williams from St. Louis.
5. Pick some first round upsets. Your best bet is to pick 10s and 12s. Don't argue, just do it (Nike paid me handsomely). I did a statistics project on the tourney last year (surprised?) and 12s win about 30 percent of the time, an average of at least one upset a year. My 12 seed this year? University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. My other upset picks: St. Mary's, North Carolina State, Northern Iowa, UTEP, and possibly Old Dominion.
6. Pick some Philadelphia teams. Well, maybe that's just my rule. It's partly inspired by my dad, who probably picked Temple to make the Final Four again this year (yeah, I know they're not in the tourney this year, but try to tell him that). So, put Villanova and Penn in the Sweet 16. I did. And I stick by those picks (just like I stuck by St. Joseph's as my national champ last year).
Still drawing blanks on who to pick? Here's my Final Four: UNC, Wake, Illinois, and Syracuse (breaking my own rule again) with UNC over Wake in the final. So there you have it. Follow my rules and you will feel like you're cutting down nets at the end of the season too. At the very least, you won't be forced to devour a piece of paper drenched in barbecue sauce.
Alex Bloom is a freshman who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at alexander.bloom@tufts.edu.
