I've started to think about my future. It's scary, because life after graduation seems like a big black hole filled with health insurance problems, rent and car payments. In order to find a way to generate the amount of disposable income necessary to make me attractive to everyone who advertises in "Maxim" and to fully stock an in-house bar (I know, I know - but I can dream can't I?), I've decided to create a business to exploit a niche in the market. After thinking about this for almost a full 30 seconds while watching "Iron Chef," I came up with the following: I, Brett Weiner, will be the headmaster and owner of the first and only Action Movie School!
To give you an idea of the wondrous learning opportunities the Action Movie School! contains, here is an excerpt from the promotional brochure listing some of the available classes.
ART 032: Reaching For Stuff
In a room full of henchmen, which is quicker - reaching for the magnum holstered on the small of your back or using the knives hidden in your sleeves? Want to finally finish off the evil villain, but your gun dropped a coincidentally suspenseful few centimeters away? Need to hit a button to turn off a bomb? This class will teach you the fine art of reaching for stuff. Such stuff includes firearms, rapiers, levers, switches and women. Also covered: Waiting until exactly the last second to grab/defuse something useful/explosive, weapon holstering/placement and, essential for every modern hero, akimbo (dual wielding) techniques.
BIO 088: How To Tell If Someone Is Dead
Have you ever killed someone, only to have him return for a climatic battle sequence? This class is an in-depth study of the major indicators of death. Common "death myths" (i.e. falling off a cliff, being shot) are brought to light. Heartbeart, breathing, decomposition and shooting people in the head twice are discussed in detail. (NOTE: For those looking to determine how to kill robots, please see COMP SCI 056: Intro To Evil Sentient Machine Deactivation.)
ENG 069: Pithy One-Liners
This class will force you to memorize snappy comebacks, observations and non-sequiturs to infuriate villains and please women. Situations such as "hero captured by the villain but is still sarcastic" and "landing on a woman in a sexually suggestive way after an explosion/crash" will be dissected and analyzed. Case study in non-verbal delivery from "Die Hard:" "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."
SOC 040: Supernaturals
In a world where all monsters are now caused by viruses, heroes sometimes ruin the cinematic flow by spending too much time puzzling over what the monster is and not enough time kicking its ass. Techniques of monster identification in this course will help heroes decipher hard-to-figure-out clues such as why the monster doesn't appear in mirrors, has a hungering for human brains or is dressed like a mummy.
PHYS ED 002: Training To Music (Crosslisted as MUSIC 077)
Need to vastly improve your skill level in a short amount of time? This class allows you to strengthen muscles, become a sharpshooter, and/or learn the secrets of martial arts in a matter of minutes. Advanced techniques such as marketing the montage song as a single will be covered.
PHYSICS 021: Slow Motion Explosions
Basics of explosive forces are covered. Explosion time dilation theories and jumping using explosive propulsion are some of key concepts in the class. Recitation once a week will cover the high-yield explosives such as C-4, dynamite and car gas tanks. PREREQ: Physics 001: How Movie Weapons Work.
ANTHRO 132: Dealing With Racial Stereotypes
It's a requirement for all heroes who have a sidekick or girlfriend who is a different ethnicity than themselves. Class trips include meeting your sidekick's stereotypical family and going to an ethnic nightclub in ill-fitting stereotypical clothes. Includes martial arts lessons for those with Asian friends. Also covered: How to sing/rap ethnic music to win respect.
BIO 123: Wound Treatment
Stabbed in the gut? Put a bandage around it! Cut a finger? Put a bandage around it! Shot in the head? Put a bandage around it! Broken leg? Put a bandage around it and limp a little! Emotionally damaged? Put a bandage on it! Also covered: substituting strips of clothing for bandages.
IR 054: Breaking International Law For The Greater Good
Running down a dark alley at night, you realize the only thing more dangerous than the homicidal maniac that killed your brother is the stupid regulations that keep you from killing him. This class shows how to break the rules that keep fragile peace between hostile nations in order to satisfy your completely justified bloodlust, even if it leads to the deaths of a few faceless members of the FBI. Includes seminar with guest speaker Dr. Harry Callahan on how to acquire new weapons and authority once your gun and badge have been revoked.
I am positive with these classes you will be on your way to action movie success. Just makes checks payable to Jorgen Husselforfen (it's my completely legal alias for tax purposes). Please, anytime now. Come on, people, I've got a bar to stock.
Have the urge to crack a joke while tossing a henchman off a roof? Send e-mail to Brett.Weiner@tufts.edu.
