Springtime means a lot of things to a lot of people. It's a time for flowers to bloom (no pun intended). It's a time for life to reawaken from a long winter slumber. It's a time for groundskeepers to line the baseball diamond for the start of a new season.
But this year, it's also been a time to argue over who is taking what steroids and whose head is bigger. It's been a time to stand idly by and watch a lackluster NBA with stars who fight with their fans, stars who fight with their teammates, and stars who fight with their injuries, but not many stars who are willing to fight for a title.
In the City of Brotherly Love (Philadelphia), it means the start of playoff hockey. As the temperature gradually warms up, the Philadelphia Flyers hit the ice every year as the stakes heat up in a tense hockey season. Every single game is a battle, from the opening face-off to the final buzzer, and almost all are instant classics.
But there's no hockey this season. There are only greedy players and stingy owners who caused a lockout that canceled the whole season. We don't know when the game will be back. Admittedly, I am not a huge hockey fan. But with what we've had to watch unfold this winter and spring, I would much rather be watching some hockey than not, even if it meant watching the Bruins.
So I talked it over with some buddies of mine and I came up with a solution for how to handle the NHL's cancelled season. Without hockey, we're stuck watching pathetic sports like golf, auto-racing, tennis, figure skating, and the WNBA. I propose that we stop lying to ourselves by claiming that these sports are fun to watch. They're just boring.
So why don't we "hockeyfy" them?
I mean that we should introduce elements of hockey into the games. In soccer, from now on, the final two defenders and the goalie must have blue streaks painted on the front and back of their jerseys to signify offsides penalties.
As for golf, Tiger hit a fantastic shot on Sunday to put away Chris DiMarco in the Masters. But I'll bet he would have missed if Vijay Singh had been allowed to cross-check him. We could introduce mandatory Happy Gilmore-style putters to all golfers. Cross-checking and slashing would be allowed, but there's a stroke penalty, with two strokes imposed for drawing blood. Also, caddies would dress like hockey coaches with slicked back hair and fancy suits and clipboards in tow. No more green jackets. The winner will get free dental surgery.
As for figure skating, we know that Michelle Kwan can turn a beautiful triple axle. But what if she had a time limit, like a power play? I propose that each skater gets 1:30 to for their routine, and then an enforcer, like Scott Stevens, is allowed to roam the ice.
"Kwan goes up for the double...and ooohhh...she's hammered by Stevens. What a hit! That's not going to help her final score."
The enforcer gets 1:30 to do damage, which should end those ties and questionable judges' scores. And in the rare case of a tie, there will be a skate off, with each skater doing their act at the same time. Checking is encouraged.
In tennis, I'd put a net behind each athlete. When an opponent serves, he'll aim for the net, and if he gets a goal on the ace, he goes up by two (0-0 would become 30-0). Also, Sami Kapinen and Martin St. Louis, the faster skaters in the NHL, will be the ball boys since they are currently unemployed.
In doubles tennis, you can have a team of four and change the line on the fly. If you argue with the referee or double fault, the other team goes on the power play. And the winner at events like Wimbledon will get Lord Stanley's Cup instead of some useless plate. Maria Sharapova might need some help lifting it, but I bet Serena Williams can offer her manly figure to help out.
In auto-racing, if an opponent cuts you off, you can challenge him to a brawl during a pit stop. The loser has to spend three laps in the penalty circle. Hockeyfying the WNBA would mean sounding buzzers and sirens for each basket, since there are so few, and shortening the game to three periods to save time since women's basketball is so dull.
Boxers must wear hockey jerseys during matches and gloves will only be worn to start each round, and then immediately dropped once the bell sounds. The Tour de France will become the Tour de Canada, completely on ice. Let's see Lance win his seventh straight now.
And finally, since ESPN televises the national spelling bee, let's hockeyfy that too. Spellers will spell the names of foreign hockey players.
"Your word is Nikolai Khabibulin."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Nikolai Khabibulin, the Tampa Bay Lightning's goalie, is known as the Philly Killer, or Joe Carter in parts of Philadelphia."
Other eligible names are Janne Niinimaa of the Islanders, Joni Pitkanen of the Flyers, and Daniel Tjarnqvist of the Thrashers.
One more stipulation for these sports: everybody needs to attempt a hockey beard at least once a season ... even the women. I've always wondered what Michelle Kwan would look like with facial hair.
Whether you realize it or not, you miss hockey. And whether you realize it or not, a lot of the other sports out there are as exciting as watching paint dry. But they don't have to be. Let's bring hockey back in style.
Alex Bloom is a freshman who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at alexander.bloom@tufts.edu.
