College means a lot of things. To some, it means pulling all-nighters and spending early Saturday mornings in the library studying for marine biology quizzes. To others, it means abusing your body with cases of The Beast and late-night chicken parmesan calzones from Espressos.
Still others believe that the college years may be the best opportunity to black out in a fraternity house basement and have unprotected sex with a total stranger. These people are incorrect; it turns out that the best time to do this is actually on your 74th birthday.
Unfortunately, college also means going to class. As a freshman, I thought that class was simply a period of time where students gathered at a predetermined location to stare at and listen to a more learned being. Boy, was I wrong. It turns out that "class" is actually a vibrant ecosystem that supports a wide variety of student species.
The first species that we'll examine is the "Show-up-Late-and-Leave-Early Guy," or the SULLEG for short. A fairly common breed, this species of college student carries the Daily crossword with them at all times. This specimen has a unique biological clock that automatically sets itself to "show up at least 10 minutes late for everything" during the academic year.
One variety of the SULLEG enjoys leaving class remarkably early and feels no remorse when he or she interrupts the professor's lecture and makes known his or her complete disinterest in his or her education. Once in a blue moon, when the SULLEG's internal clock is set to show up excessively late and to leave excessively early, we watch in awe as he strolls in to class, sits down, and immediately gets back up to leave. Nature can be so damn beautiful.
A less common breed is the SPAT, or "Sweat Pants All of the Time." Whether it's an 8 a.m. class, a 6:30 p.m. class, or a semi-formal dance, this class of college student has just rolled out of bed and has neglected to shave.
SPATs have a strong, almost religious belief in the omnipotent power of sweatpants and their ability to preserve the sanctity of the original Nintendo Entertainment System. The Achilles heel of the SPAT, however, is his inability to hide even small amounts of sexual arousal.
A rare and chesty breed is the "I'm-Too-Smart-to-Take-Notes Guy," or DICK for short. To be blunt, notes insult this person's intelligence. Chances are the DICK owns a total of zero textbooks, which also insult his intelligence. Also insulting to the DICK is anything.
There is nothing more infuriating than an EOCQH (pronounced ee-ock). Short for "End-of-Class-Question Hero," this species of college student enjoys asking unnecessary questions at the end of class. Common knowledge indicates that when a professor says, "Does anybody have any questions?" he or she actually means, "Let's strike a deal: if you shut the hell up, then I'll shut the hell up."
Nevertheless, there is always at least one EOCQH in the class who wants to stick their nose up the professor's fudge tunnel with an arrogant inquiry. Take the following example:
HISTORY PROFESSOR: "In summary, the end of the Roman empire is generally accepted to be in A.D. 476, when the Germanic Odoacer ousted the last emperor from Rome. Tomorrow's test will focus on the political corruption before A.D. 476 that led to the decline. Any questions?"
EOCQH: "Can you tell us about the sweeping religious movements that arose soon thereafter?"
This is when you'll often hear the sound of the entire class convulsing in agony. Call me spiritual, but I believe that when an EOCQH takes it upon itself to ask such an egotistical question, he disrupts the intrinsic balance of the universe.
This is when I often take it upon myself to offset the heinousness in the room by asking an idiotic question, equal in magnitude. Take the following example, which occurs just after an EOCQH's question:
BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: "As I said before, the test will focus only on the physical attributes of the North American beaver, including its anatomy. Also, our case study on the rare albino beaver will be addressed. Any other questions?"
ME: "Does the albino beaver crap white?"
This is when you'll often hear the sound of me making out with someone for asking such an awesome question. Balance is restored to the universe once again.
So that finishes up my discussion about the species of class. The test tomorrow will focus on all of the varieties of students listed above, as well as the "One-Notebook-for-all-Classes" guy and the "I'm-Going-to-Impress-You-by-Wearing-my-Sunday-Best" guy.
Any questions?
Jeff Volinski is a senior majoring in mechanical engineering. He can be reached at Jeffrey.Volinski@tufts.edu.
