Like every other college student who would much rather do just about anything other than his homework, I am much enamored with the phenomenon that is YouTube. Through YouTube, I learned a great amount of usefully useless crap. Not as much as from Wikipedia or IMDB (both great procrastination tools), but a significant amount nonetheless.
For example, did you know that Fred Flintstone used to be in the employ of Big Tobacco? That's right, everyone's favorite caveman hocked Winston cigarettes. He wasn't alone, either; his neighbors and Wilma were in on it as well (probably even as Wilma was pregnant).
Another trip through YouTube enlightened me to the budding Xtreme sport in Europe called Parkour (or, if you will, urban gymnastics). This is essentially people running around and jumping off buildings like Spider-Man. I personally can't wait 'til this sensation hits the States and some kids seriously injure themselves trying to imitate it.
Sadly, though, not all is right in YouTube Land. Amongst the music videos that you would prefer not to pay iTunes $2 for and the movie trailers that have been recut to humorous results, there is a cancerous growth spreading. Day after day, cheesy '80s commercials and clips from talk shows that you forgot to Tivo find themselves more and more outnumbered. It now seems that any idiot with a not-hideous face and decent editing skills can get a top-rated video on YouTube. How do they do it? Simple.
Step One: Take a song we're all sort of nostalgic for, but not really. This could be a theme song to a cartoon. ("Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" seems like a safe bet, seeing as how everyone nowadays gets misty-eyed over thinking about the Turtles - or at least pretends to for good social standing. It does not matter if they say, "God bless you" when you say "Krang" or think that Splinter is merely something you remove from your finger.)
These posers will still act all excited when they hear the song. You could also be a bit edgier and try to go for the growing '90s nostalgia, picking "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" or perhaps (if you are feeling particularly daring that day) "Pok?©mon." And of course, if a theme song is not your thing, there are always tons of other songs that everyone liked, and even if they didn't, they still kind of do anyway. "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Anything by Smash Mouth. Most one-hit wonders of the '80s. The list can go on for eternity.
Step Two: Got your song? Awesome. Now get a few of your friends together and grab your video camera. Make sure you guys wear some REALLY goofy outfits (as in, perhaps a size too large or inside-out or something). Not goofy enough to alienate the potential viewers, though. You want to assure them that you're only normal people acting goofy, not naturally goofy people. Once you've gotten on the proper attire, start rolling that camera! Now, c'mon folks! Lip-synch your hearts out and REALLY ham it up (but follow the same rules that apply to dress).
Step Three: Find a friend who's slightly competent when it comes to technology. By that, I mean he or she is probably a step above decorating his or her MySpace page. With this friend on board, voil? ! You have a video ready for YouTube! Prepare for fame, fortune ... or at least a few hits by some very bored (and possibly stoned) college kids.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem of the day. Yes, YouTube is a great procrastination tool. Yes, lip-synching can be funny ... when you're in the car with your friends or perhaps when really, really drunk ... or both at the same time. No, it's not worth flooding the Internet with them. And it's certainly not worth sending me the links to them. When I encounter something like that, well, my problem sets just become all that more enticing.
Seriously, these endless streams of lip-synching videos are the modern-day equivalents of the vaudevillian ventriloquist dummy: They're everywhere, their job takes nowhere near the amount of skill that you think it does, and, after all is said and done, they're not that funny.
In the end, all you're doing by watching these videos is wasting your time and helping some people with no talent get some credentials to rest on. (We'll soon enter an age where YouTube ratings are indeed appropriate resume fodder.)
So remember: It may be free and it may take you away from whatever you're translating for a few more minutes, but there are so many more fulfilling ways to use the Internet for procrastination. Like Wikipedia. You don't know the history of New Coke, do you? And of course, there's porn.
'Cause in the end, like "Wonderwall," everyone - even if they don't - has a soft spot for porn.
Devin Toohey is a sophomore majoring in Classics. He can be reached at Devin.Toohey@tufts.edu.
