I thought I would start with an update from last week's column: The sink and dishes have been cleaned. We filled a keg-sized plastic bucket with the grimy kitchenware and put it in the shower, then took an industrial shop vacuum to the sink.
When it was empty, we unloaded a bottle of Drano and let the magic happen. It took about three hours for it to work its way through the pipes. I am sure my landlord would not be too happy if he read this column, but then again, he does walk into our house uninvited, so he has to know the state it is in.
I don't know if anyone remembers, but the second "Seven on Seven" was a piece called "The Gorilla Incident." In that article, one of my housemates, Ned, had a date. We, his gracious friends, decided to follow him to the North End and kidnap him in the middle of the date while wearing gorilla suits. Ned, needless to say, was not too happy with us, but that isn't anything new. He's just an easy target. This time, Ned kept his contempt inside a little longer than usual, and he plotted how to get his revenge.
It was Saturday night, and the mood was right. Sorry about that lame sentence, but I am not feeling literate enough to avoid clich?©s. We were out doing the usual, having a good time.
One of the guys in my house was having a particularly prolific night. His game was on the money. This guy, who we will call Wallace, usually kicks ridiculous game. Basically, it is as blatant as possible, almost to the point of being sleazy.
Sometimes, it works: He is the only one I know who has been able to get "I just flew in from New Jersey, and boy, are my arms tired" to work. But other times, it's a train wreck. I have witnessed some ugly, but hilarious nights. Wallace was also one of the two gorillas that nabbed Ned from Mama Anna's restaurant.
On Saturday, Wallace was working a particular lady. This girl happened to be a girl that Ned had an incident with a couple years ago. I guess I should give her a name, so I will say Lauren, the most common and ambiguous girl name at Tufts.
I will print what I am allowed to without ruining his chances with any female at the university, but long story short, Wallace passed out on her. Not funny for him, infuriating for her, side-splitting for us. From a distance, Ned witnessed Wallace working over Lauren, silently encouraging him to succeed. He was also busy recruiting help for his plot.
The party started to die down, and Wallace made for the door with Lauren in tow. Ned got me to hang back a few minutes, along with another mutual friend of ours named Tess, who just so happens to be an ex-girlfriend of Wallace's. The three of us followed Wallace as he brought the girl back to our house. When they got there, they went right upstairs, but Ned, Tess and I went to my room to grab the infamous gorilla costume. I am sure you can see what is coming.
Wallace was busy in his room when Ned kicked open the door and stormed into the room like it was Poland, yelling and screaming. Lauren had no idea what was going on. She was horrified.
It didn't take long for Wallace to realize that payback was a bitch (another tired clich?©). But what he didn't realize was that right behind Gorilla Ned was Tess with a camera. The resulting picture was classic: There was Ned with his arms above his head, running into the messy room, Lauren hiding her face in a pillow and covering her head, and Wallace sitting on top of her, pants around his ass, actually smiling in disbelief.
Even without a gorilla costume, the makeup of the group of people involved made it a night to remember. A bitter ex, Ned, who had been humiliated twice, the girl who had also been embarrassed twice, Wallace and his whack game, and me, who really didn't have anything do with it at all. But I get to put it in the Daily. The situation was worthy of a soap opera. When you add the gorilla costume for the revenge factor, there really isn't anything that could top that without someone being injured. You can't make up that stuff.
Moral of the story: You have to be careful. Every action has a reaction in our house. You have to remember that with every prank you pull, no matter how large or small, you're going to get it.
I am still waiting for my payback for my role in the original Gorilla Incident; it's coming. What goes around comes around.
Dan Tovrov is a junior majoring in English. You can e-mail him at daniel.tovrov@tufts.edu.
