Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals, the 2006 World Series champions.
I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. Honestly, if you had told me six months ago that the World Series would end with Adam Wainwright striking out Brandon Inge, I'd have told you to look for a good mental hospital.
Some people love baseball because of postseasons like this. October is exciting and unpredictable - anything can, and probably will, happen. But not me. Seeing a team as bad as the 2006 Cardinals win a title is just depressing. Thank god baseball's over. I am sick and tired of watching this game - any time a team can go 83-78 and get a championship ring, it makes me sick.
So...who's in the mood for some irony? It's time to move on; which means it's time for basketball: a sport where you don't even need a winning record to make the playoffs. You've gotta love it.
Unfortunately for me, the only thing more depressing than watching the World Series is watching basketball. Being a Celtics fan is tough these days. The Green went 3-5 in October basketball, and that can't be a good sign heading into the regular season. I wouldn't be surprised if we were in for another 11th-place finish in the Eastern Conference.
Today's the beginning of a new month, and with it comes the beginning of a new season. And to this bitter Celtics fan - one who was born four months after the team's last title and fears that he'll never see a single one won in his lifetime - that means a fresh new chance to find someone to blame.
The answer is simple. In my mind, I can see him standing before me -all six feet, four inches and 175 pounds of his scrawny little frame. His name is Danny Ainge.
The team's current Executive Director of Basketball Operations - and former overrated, annoying, whiny shooting guard - is what's wrong with the Boston Celtics today. But I come before you today not to complain; nay, that would be the easy way out. I write with a nobler purpose. Believe it or not, I think I have the answer.
Danny, I know you're reading this. Anyone with an ego as big as yours is sure to have a Google alert set to his own name, ready to show him every single scrap of media exposure to bear his name. And since you're reading, I hope you can respond to this modest proposal. Danny Ainge, I hereby request: will you trade lives with me?
Think about it. It's perfect. I could get a chance to carry out one of my lifelong dreams - running a pro sports team - and you, Danny, could go back to college. You of course went to Brigham Young, and with all due respect to Jesus Christ and his Latter Day Saints, I have a feeling that you missed some of the college experience.
The religious fanaticism, the strict honor code, the fact that you lived in Utah, in the middle of nowhere ... be honest. There's no way you enjoyed those four years. Try getting a liberal arts education in New England. It'll be like nothing you've ever experienced.
And then you can come write for the Daily. You could take over my column and get free reign every Wednesday to write about whatever you want. I know you can't resist.
Do you want to gripe about baseball? I'm sure you're still pissed off about how you couldn't cut it with the Blue Jays in the early 80s; come here and tell all. Or how about basketball? You're probably still mad at some ref who made some terrible call in 1988; come and tell. This could be your place to speak your mind. It's all the media attention you could ask for - it's almost as much fun as throwing basketballs in Mario Elie's face.
I'll give you my column, and you give me the Celtics. On my end of the deal, my promise is a simple one: I'll do a slightly less crappy job than you've done. I don't promise to be perfect, since I'm still just a kid, and I don't really know what I'm doing. But here are two things I won't do.
First, I won't trade Antoine Walker again - twice is enough. Danny, you sent him to the Mavericks once, out of some sort of strange desperation for Raef LaFrentz, and then after you got him back, shipped him to Miami for Qyntel Woods and Curtis Borchardt.
I obviously wouldn't have made those deals - first, because I don't even know how to pronounce those guys' names, much less like them as basketball players; and second, because both trades were downright stupid. If I manage to bring 'Toine back for a third stint in Boston, I'll keep him. You have my word.
And second, I'll stop bringing in bad point guards. Shammond Williams lasted six years in the NBA and played for six teams, never once averaging double figures in scoring, and got laughed out of town in 2003, your first year on the job. Marcus Banks, your replacement for Williams, was equally mediocre, helping the team to a 36-46 finish in his rookie season. Sebastian Telfair, your pathetic excuse for not landing us Allen Iverson this offseason, has more lifetime run-ins with Massachusetts gun laws (one) than triple-doubles (zero). Enough said.
I'd have gotten A.I. I'd have kept 'Toine. Give me three years on the job, and I'll rebuild the Celtic dynasty. It's not that I'm that good - it's just that the Celtics have had an extraordinary number of chances to lock in talented stars.
Danny, those are my terms. You can take them or leave them. But think carefully - a lot is at stake here. For you, it's a chance to speak your mind on the topic of your choice, every week, to an audience of, well ... dozens. And for me, it's the chance of a lifetime. The chance to bring back Celtic Pride, once and for all.
Evans Clinchy is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major.
