As I get older, I'm realizing that we live in a culture where vanity is somewhat unavoidable, and of course, by culture, I mean my own egocentric persona.
I'm not alone on this one, people. You're vain too. It's just that I'm the one talking about it. And that's OK. I'll take the fall for both of us. Just remember: I know that you spend 15 minutes in front of the mirror before you head out to the gym. And I know that your gelled hair is perfectly messy, so that it looks like you just rolled out of bed even though you spent a half hour blow-drying each individual lock. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. It's our little secret. But I have to warn you: People know that you do that. And frankly, it's making things a little awkward.
During one of my shifts at the gym, my female co-worker and I devised a game to make things at work a little more interesting. If she was talking to a girl I thought was cute, I would start playing with the IDs and give her a quick look and turn-away. She'd know to introduce me to whoever she was talking to, and vice-versa. The system usually proceeds smoothly, except that last week we had an incident. There was a blue lollipop involved. I was pulling the ID card and shot the glance but got no response. I repeated the action, but to no avail. So I went to plan B and started clearing my throat in that very clich?© way that sitcom characters do when they are trying to get someone's attention. Still nothing. Then they finished speaking, and the girl walked away from the desk. When I asked my co-worker what happened, why she didn't take my cues, she responded, "She has a boyfriend." I asked, "Then why was she staring at me the whole time?" To which she replied, "Because you have blue stuff all over your teeth."
Do you ever find yourself looking into store windows or car mirrors just to catch your reflection? To see what you're working with today? Recently I stopped in front of a Jeep Grand Cherokee and started fixing my hair in the reflection from the window. But the window was really fogged up. So I started to try to wipe it with my sleeve while I squinted to get a better look, and as I was finishing up, the owner approached the vehicle. Embarrassed that I had been staring at my own reflection in his window, I tried to find another explanation but realized that the only thing I could really say was that I was trying to see if he had anything worth stealing. Naturally, I ran away quickly.
I usually make it a rule to not communicate with anyone else in the bathroom, but a few weeks ago, I saw a newspaper turned to the page of my column lying at the feet of the person in the next stall. I was excited that I was witnessing someone in the process of reading my article, not to mention it looked worn in, like he'd been studying it closely. And so I couldn't help myself and asked, "Are you reading the 'Man, I'm Awkward' article?" and he replied, "No, I just had to wipe down the toilet seat."
I'll admit, I Google my own name from time to time. It's sort of an ego boost to see what wide range of Web sites and stalking information about me are out there on the World Wide Web. It was a little bit disheartening, though, when I discovered one of my stand-up comedy clips being featured on a site called, "Attack-of-the-suck.com." But I decided I wouldn't let it get the best of me, that no publicity was ever bad publicity. It turns out that site has a voting feature where you can rank the videos on a scale of one to five. So just to show that I don't care what anyone else thinks about me, I spent the next three and a half hours voting my video a five over and over again.
I met this girl the other day that I had a class with but had never spoken to before. I told her about the class we had taken together, but she still didn't recognize me. I thought if I gave her some details it might jog her memory. I started to explain that I always wore a Yankees hat, that I would often come in a few minutes late, that I raised my hand a little too eagerly. Still nothing. Then something clicked for her. "Wait, are you the kid who always had blue stuff all over his teeth?" I've gotta stop eating lollipops.
Neil Padover is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at neil.padover@tufts.edu.
