Because this is the last Seven on Seven of the semester, I thought I would share with you some shorter stories from the past couple years. Hopefully, you will find these events amusing and better than the last couple of articles I wrote.
For those of you who still read my column, thank you very much, because I think I prematurely blew my literary load by week two of the semester. It turns out that writing "The Towel Incident" and "The Gorilla Incident" for the first two entries was setting a high bar and may have caused some Daily blue balls. But the truth is, I'm going abroad next semester, and I just don't care. So here it goes ...
Firstly (doesn't sound like it, but a real word), I have spent weeks trying to figure out how to type a fart sound. I think "Pfsthffs" (said with mouth closed) is the best I have come up with onomatopoeically (again, can't believe that's real).
Now, it's story time. We have come a long way in my house this semester. This summer, at our first party, we tried to tap a keg with a beer ball tap, which resulted in a geyser of Natty Light spraying Bob the Builder in the face and leaving him wet for the rest of the night while mangling our beer ball tap. When we finally got a real tap, what was left of the flat beer was finished in 25 minutes. We have since learned.
Moving on. Showing my great journalistical (not a real word) prowess, I am going to stray away from farting and beer and back to my Seven on Seven roots - poop!! Firstly, again, we lived in Bush Hall freshman year. Bush has single stall, co-ed bathrooms. The hallway in Bush is a straight line, with allows maximum echo. It is designed so that everyone on the floor can hear a pin drop, or rather a poop drop, from down the hall.
So I would be sitting in the bathroom doing my part to reintroduce nitrogen/Dewick into the soil, and every time I would step on a duck (pfsthffs), I would hear giggles coming from the room of the two sophomore girls down the hall. I thought it was a coincidence, but after my fourth trip on the second day (thank you, Tufts Dining) I realized that when I would walk out of the stall, the girls would stop their conversation, stare at me until I went back into my room and then break out into laughter again.
If one would have thought the sound issue was a problem, they forgot about it when they ran into the ventilation problem. I kid you not; a healthy Dewick dump would remain in the air for a minimum of two weeks. Bush Hall was the worst smelling place on campus when we were through with it, and from what I hear, it hasn't gotten any better.
Totally unrelated side note: People think that "Borat" is the funniest movie ever, but, not to take anything away from it (being as our house has seen it collectively over 11 times), people are forgetting about the "South Park" movie. Remember how much your body hurt from laughing after you saw that movie?
I am going to use the last 300 words as an advice column; sorry Charlotte Steinway. Don't be surprised to see elaborations on these true events next semester if my one of my housemates tries to take over the column.
If you are trying to hook up with a girl, don't watch the movie "Bio Dome" with her. I don't care if the only other option is "Goat on Girl 7." But I guess if I'm telling you not to watch that cinematic gem, you are way beyond any advice I could give you. I have seen better success with "The Passion of the Christ."
Next piece of advice: If you want to know if your roommate is cool or not, here is how you find out. Bring a girl back to your room when your roommate is asleep, loudly assert that he has passed out, two or three times if necessary, making sure he hears you. Scream his name into his ear at maximum volume, to prove to the lady he is indeed passed out. If he plays along, he's a keeper. If not, sorry. This trick also works for girls.
I know this week's column was a little scatterbrained, but deal with it - it's the last one. I would like to say thank you to the Daily for the opportunity, but no thanks for not inviting me to the cocktail party. Thanks to Neil Padover for not giving me a shout out after I gave him one. Special thanks to everyone who reads my column, especially those that showed their support with emails, Facebook messages and drunken shouts at parties. I hope that my column was more interesting than the one on Greek life would have been.
Dan Tovrov is a junior majoring in English. You can e-mail him at daniel.tovrov@tufts.edu.
