In honor of the double-bill of "Casino Royale" (2006) and "Goldfinger" (1964) recently hosted in Barnum 008 by the venerable Film Series, I'd like to suggest a few ways the Bush Administration can learn from everybody's favorite British Commander, and by emphasizing the "007" in "2007", perhaps even save the world.
Remember that sequence in which Bond, in trouble, under fire and out of time, whipped out one of his storied gadgets and it failed to work, thereby resulting in his tragic death?
No?
That's because Bond's devices have a pleasant tendency to function. So, Bush et al., next time you herald some contraption to shoot down nuclear missiles in mid-flight, send a manned spacecraft to Mars and back, or use hydrogen-fueled cars to reduce carbon emissions (without explaining how that hydrogen will be manufactured) first make sure those inventions work.
And even if the mega-corporate-subsidizing boondoggles known as anti-ballistic systems did function, acts of terrorism throughout the Administration's tenure (including Sept. 11 itself) have amply demonstrated that they would be of little use.
As Q said in Goldeneye, "the writing's on the wall" for such programs.
Speaking of the late Quartermaster, it would do well for the White House to remember his two-part motto from "The World is Not Enough" (1999): "Never let them see you bleed, and always have an escape plan."
The former principle was rather clumsily violated in January 2002, when a mastication malfunction involving a pretzel resulted in a presidential bruise that must have delighted our enemies. As for escape plans, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a Congressional Committee this January that "It's bad policy to speculate on what you'll do if a plan fails when you're trying to make a plan work." Earth to Bush Administration: even Miss Moneypenny would dump Bond if he said something that stupid.
Secretary Rice would do well to apologize to Congress, and while she's at it, she can apologize to the American public for failing to prevent the Sept. 11 attacks as National Security Advisor.
Our fictional hero (the Ian Fleming creation, not the incumbent president) was once spying on a terrorists' bazaar near the Russian border when he learned that a cruise missile would soon hit the area and detonate a pair of nuclear warheads (which would, in the words of a Russian general, "make Chernobyl look like picnic").
Did our man dawdle about, or listen to a gaggle of children talk about a pet goat?
Hardly!
He not only disrupted the gathering, fired up a jet plane and stole the nukes but also ejected a villain in the co-pilot's chair right into the base of a pursuing aircraft. "What does he think he's doing?" an appalled British admiral sputtered, to which M replied, "His job!"
The moral of the story is, when the nation is attacked, don't go on vacations of record length. And when your job is to uphold and defend the Constitution, do that also; don't pay lackeys such as the Attorney General to claim that the nation's founding document doesn't expressly grant suspects habeas corpus when Article 1, Section 9 states: "The privilege of the Writ of Habeas Corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in Cases of Rebellion or Invasion the public safety may require it."
Devious-acting types in dark hats are not always trustworthy. See: Oddjob, Jack Abramoff.
When the system won't let you work, work outside the system. In at least two Bond adventures ("Licence to Kill" [1989] and "Die Another Day" [2002]), Bond loses his "00" status and goes after the world's villains in whatever manner he sees fit.
On Sept. 17, 2001, President Bush declared of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks: "I want justice, and there's an old poster out west, as I recall, that said, 'Wanted, Dead or Alive.'" Yet the administration has yet to arrest or otherwise detain the mastermind of the attacks, Osama bin Laden. Apart from the White House's overt disinterest in the whereabouts of the FBI's Fourth Most Wanted Fugitive, a prime factor contributing to bin Laden's continuing freedom is the intransigence of President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan, who is wary of allowing or initiating an aggressive search within his country's borders lest al-Qaeda-admiring locals challenge his hold on power.
The Bush Administration is loath to risk losing Musharraf's support, and therefore finds itself at an impasse in which every passing moment delays the justice our president (sometimes) professes to anxiously await. The leader of the free world cannot find a mere sickly man.
The Bond-inspired solution, of course, would be to go rogue. In what would certainly constitute his greatest action as Commander-in-Chief, Bush should write to Dr. Rice what a far better predecessor wrote to Henry Kissinger in 1974: "Dear Mr. [Ms.] Secretary, I hereby resign the Office of President of the United States." Vice President Cheney would naturally follow suit, and with President Nancy Pelosi doing her best "M" impression in Washington, the hunt for bin Laden could begin in earnest. Drawing on his considerable personal fortune, ex-president CIA briefings and fine mountain-biking stamina, Agent W could captain one of the most fearsome bounty-hunting teams in history.
With the help of Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and the rest of the "43" crew, the Bush team would be set to pose an immediate and acute threat to the founder of al-Qaeda - provided, of course, that it didn't get lost in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.
Finally, Mr. President, provide American servicepeople with the equipment and body armor they still desperately need. Unlike pulp heroes, they can't outrun bullets. About 3,400 Coalition fatalities have so far resulted from the unnecessary Iraq War British Intelligence warned against; even Auric Goldfinger schemed to do less damage. Bond resigns in Casino Royale to save his own soul; you could do nothing better than the same.
Matthew Diamante is a sophomore majoring in history.
