It seems almost every college kid I've run into starts out just plain awkward: at Tufts, here in D.C., wherever. For some, it just wears off. For others, it lingers like a bad Cialis commercial (see your doctor if awkwardness lasts for more than four hours).
When I got to Washington I endured my third new campus orientation. As if two painstaking rounds with "the name game" or scavenger hunts just weren't enough, I had to endure yet another multi-day session of cruel and unusual punishment.
Yet despite my hard-earned acumen in orienting myself to new campuses, the awkwardness continues to follow. "What is this awkwardness you speak of, Jamie?" you might ask. It is simple; here are some examples off the top of my head.
It is the first couple of days in a new dorm, in which the waiting in a long line of dormmates in yellow towels and Adidas flip-flops for the shower at 7:30 a.m. couldn't be more awkward than the idle conversation I can't help from making. "So where did you get your shower caddy? Oh the Container Store. I love their little shopping bags and slogan. Yeah, 'Contain Yourself,' get it?"
It is when you laugh boisterously at a professor's "joke" in class about Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and no one else laughs. It is when you proudly announce to someone, upon first meeting them, that you recognize them from stalking their Facebook.com profile (and that you share the same astrological sign and favorite TV show).
Not that any of the above has actually happened to me, cough cough, gag gag. Wink wink. So when I moved into Congressional Hall (so creative with their dorm names here at American University: Federal Hall, Capitol Hall, etc.) I expected my professionalism at orientation to be put to use. Oh my, was I wrong.
My randomly assigned roommate had his name listed on Facebook as "Futon." Who does that? (What would mine be ... lunch meat?) I should have known it was going to be a roller coaster ride living with him. As we both moved in, I watched his posters go up, his bedspread roll out and his photos get thumb-tacked to the tack-board. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everywhere. Two full-size posters. Pillowcase and bedspread. Photos of past Halloweens (three to be exact), in which he is dressed in a full-body spandex Ninja Turtle costume. My side of the room is decorated with calming beach photo wood panels, sea shells, fishing nets, and glass bowls with beach sand and sea glass. Where do they find the people who assign roommates anyway? These people would have put Rosie and Donald in the same dorm room.
So as soon as I saw the other half, I couldn't help but want to take a shower in sulfuric acid; that's how awkward I felt. When I was trying to explain the strangeness of my new roommate (who, incidentally, can't wait for the new TMNT movie to come out March 23) to one of my friends, I found myself making the 'awkward turtle' hand motion without even realizing it.
Yes, we schooled in the nature of awkwardness have decided to embrace our flaw by adding hand motions to our interactions and conversations with others. If you haven't seen them, these hand motions are the definition of awkward behavior.
To all the awkward students out there with ladies to impress, it's easy to do, just follow these steps.
One: Place one hand over the other (both palms down). If you are doing this correctly, you should leave both your thumbs hanging out to the sides.
Two: Move your thumbs in a circular motion, perhaps in a way similar to that of a swimming sea turtle.
Three: There really isn't a three, but once you've done numbers one and two, you should have it down: the teenage mutant awkward turtle.
But that's not the only hand motion that seems to have crept into the psyche of the Medford campus. In fact, the American Sign Language (ASL) hand motion for the word "awkward" is as widely used as, well, nevermind.
This motion is simple: middle finger, pointer finger and thumb on both hands must be out (other fingers curled under). Then, held out in front of you, shake your hands up and down, alternating which hand is up at once. Try it out; you will instantly feel awkward, even if you are alone eating cold fries in Carmichael.
I've just embraced awkwardness because I have no other option. Just learn the hand motions, down a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonades (don't pretend you don't like it, we all do), let loose and embrace the awkwardness. It wasn't worth fighting it, and it can't be avoided.
Just jump into the shallow end of the pool, head first, because awkward is here to stay. And you aren't the only one. (Am I the only one? Oh right, there's Neil.)
-Jamie Bologna is a junior majoring in political science. You can e-mail him at James.Bologna@tufts.edu.
