For those of you who don't know, I'm Catholic. Yup, I'm a huge fan of Jesus, God and the Trinity (not the bar in Faneuil, although it is basically hallowed ground for my family).
With all that said, I haven't been to church in at least a few years, and I don't plan on it. Truthfully, I have the attention span of one of those kids who's so hyper he needs a leash and a helmet to stay safe, so all those sermons and gospels don't resonate the way they should. I also don't want to be one of those Catholics who goes to Church only on the days everyone knows about like Christmas, Easter, Good Friday or Ash Wednesday, because it reminds me of Yankees fans who only decide to live and die with their team come playoff time.
Even though I'm not a regular church-goer, I still try my best to be a good person and to question the morality of all my actions. (Should I really steal this car? Steak and cheese or chicken parm?)
Now that Ash Wednesday has come and gone and Lent has commenced, I figured it was time for this townie to get biblical.
As a na've young townie, I thought Lent was that stuff God put in my belly button and that Ash Wednesday meant God put out cigarettes on your forehead if you were bad. Unfortunately that's not the case, because God isn't some regular at Powderhouse.
For those of you that don't know, Lent is a period of 40 days, from Ash Wednesday until Easter Sunday, when people make personal sacrifices to honor those who have given up so much in years' past.
Normally, I cop out during Lent and give up something easy. Last year I stopped drinking canned beers, sticking strictly to bottled or keg beer, and let me just say, it was as rewarding as I had hoped it would be. I was tempted to give up heavy beer this year, but I try to spread out my blasphemy so I can hopefully pick the lock of those pearly gates and sneak in.
However, many people make sacrifices to actually better themselves or people around them by giving up things like red meat, alcohol or sweets. Townies have a similar period to go with Lent called spring training, starting when pitchers and catchers report until the almighty opening day for the hallowed Sox. During this time, Townies honor the baseball gods with sacrifices like their first-born son or a pinky toe.
All of this holy talk got me thinking about both my Catholic and townie upbringing, so I came to the conclusion that I would need to mold these two aspects of my life and form one code of conduct, the Townie Ten Commandments:
10. Thou shalt not steal ... and get caught.
9. Thou shalt not commit adultery ... with any person who falls below a 7 on the holy attractiveness scale (ranging from 1 to 10). Note: Alcohol is not an excuse, so don't bother.
8. Remember to keep the Holy Sabbath ... the Patriots, although three-time Super Bowl champions, still need your undying support, especially now that God's other son, Tom Brady, is going to be a father himself.
7. Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain ... or Big Papi's. See what happens if you try that near me.
6. Thou shalt not kill ... the last sip of someone else's tasty beer, soda or chocolate milk.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife ... unless he's a Yankees fan or she passes the holy attractiveness scale.
4. Honor thy mother and father ... by graduating high school or becoming a world class Keno/scratch ticket gambler.
3. Thou shalt use tanning booths at all times of year, no matter how orange or absurdly dead your skin might look.
2. Thou shalt only drive dangerously fast and ignore rules of rotaries, stoplights and any useful street sign. Extra points if you drive a Chevy Cutlass or Crown Victoria.
1. Thou shalt never leave Medford. Go to college in Medford where you write a column about how you've never left Medford, only to graduate and move back to the other side of Medford. (I've got that one covered, I'd say.)
Pete McKeown is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at peter.mckeown@tufts.edu.
