This column is about senior week. But in order for me to write about these last days without continually concussing myself with a mock diploma, we both need to agree to lie beforehand that graduation isn't a few weeks away, and that when I'm done with Tufts, I'm not going to be transported four minutes to West Medford with my parents and dogs as roommates, but rather sent on a six-month tour of the world, for free, because I'm special.
With all that out of the way, I can get back to laying out my plans for senior week by telling you about the events that have potential to be blackout bonanzas, and the events that make "Dr. Phil" or groin surgery seem like a viable alternative.
The first event of the week is free, so that's how you know it's not fun. Lo and behold, it's the "President's Reception" to kick off senior week, for free! This is the type of event I'd pay money not to go to. When the last line of a party advertisement reads, "Please, no jeans or shorts for this event," all I can see is "Please, we're not fun, so prepare to have a sucky time tonight."
Free food usually peaks my interest, but I'm assuming the leftovers will undoubtedly go back to their source, Dewick, so I'll savor whatever it is they serve the next day when I'm hung over rather than show up and be bored when I'm drunk.
Is the townie going? Only if the scarily aggressive guy with the mental illness who always sits outside the Broken Yolk pounding coffees and Menthols goes too.
Six Flag kicks off the next day's whacky activities! Oh my God, an amusement park! I'll never, ever get to do that in the decades of life after college, so why not waste a fun, productive day of drinking, in my last fun week of school, and wait in two-hour lines for roller coasters that will most likely make me projectile vomit at mach four speeds!
That's seriously about as sarcastic as I can get, so as you might be able to tell, I'd rather cut off my pinky toes and fingers before going to this event.
And wouldn't you know, the very next event is whitewater rafting. That right there actually sounds pretty appealing - a fun outdoorsy day on the water, probably slugging beers and valuing nature for both its rivers and breweries.
Only it's not down some river you'd see on a brochure or in "A River Runs Through It " (1992). This is the Concord River in Lowell, and the only white water you'll see there is from pollution. If I do a whitewater rafting trip, I'm doing it at a real river with some real Bud Light, not in Lowell, Mass. Let me at least get to Vermont.
The Senior Cruise on Saturday night takes us around Boston's historic harbor, and what is that I see in parentheses? 21 and over permitted only? That's right, the oft-sought-after booze cruise, where the only way to out-drink me would be to go overboard.
I'll obviously be going to all the pub nights over the course of senior week, so it's nice to have a little spin on things to get the party going, even if that means numerous people setting world records for projectile vomiting.
This is an obvious event for a townie. I haven't sailed in years, but I'm sure I'll be at least fifth or sixth mate, just on street cred alone. I plan on having so much fun on this night that I'll actually forget where I lived freshman year, making the next morning's event - dorm reunions - a sad casualty of the senior week war.
The Senior Gala is the huge event of the week, for it is on May 15, this townie's birthday. So with that in mind, it is no longer "The Senior Gala" but rather "The Pete Mckeown is a Hot, Cool, Funny, Awesome, Talented Townie Extravaganza." Because it's my birthday, and I said so.
This is one of the rare nights where the townie can be seen in formal apparel. I hope I can borrow one of my brother's suits, otherwise it's some khakis and a Tom Brady Authentic Jersey (that counts as formal wear, right?).
This is as far as I'll go with this column, because after this birthday bash I probably won't even remember the next day's events, including walking.
By then, I'll have the diploma to remind me.
Pete McKeown is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at peter.mckeown@tufts.edu.
