What is it about stealing food from the dining halls that's so exhilarating? It's not just a sport for kleptos (and believe me, it is a sport), because everyone does it. And the chances are pretty slim that everyone at Tufts is a kleptomaniac.
Maybe the fact that it's just so practical: Why make the long trek over to Carmichael or Dewick when you have a delicious assortment of fruit in your fridge? And let's face it: The inconsistency of banana availability in both dining halls is disheartening. Having your own stock is crucial. Personally, the amount I hoard in my room would make a banana grower from Honolulu turn green with envy.
Perhaps, though, it is not convenience that lures us food-picking fiends into the halls with our discreet handbags. It could instead be what I call the "stealth phenomenon."
As a pretty responsible student, I often feel weighed down by the heavy pressure of the law. Not that it's a bad thing; it's just that, sometimes, you need to live on the edge. And anyway, that's worth the risk of jail time.
I'm sure other students feel the same way. I can prove it, actually, with a statistical sample of one person of my acquaintance, who "once stole a whole pie." For all intents and purposes, and to preserve her anonymity, we'll refer to this lunch-goer as "Anonymous Girl No. 1" or AG1 for short.
AG1 not only stole a whole pie, but also confesses that she "bring[s] Tupperware to every meal and [is] not ashamed." Good for you, Anonymous Girl No. 1!
Here's my theory/life philosophy: Every time you follow a rule, every time you raise your hand to ask a question, wait in line on ice cream sundae day or pay Girl Scouts for their cookies, you need to balance out the scale somehow.
What better way to obtain equilibrium than to pocket a couple of bagels? Where's the harm?
It just saves you an extra trip to the dining hall later. I guess I should probably mention I'm a freshman, so I do have an unlimited meal plan. I know, I know, not nearly as badass. I'm sorry, I'll make up for that somehow.
So we never really reached an answer to the question: Why steal food? I've offered a few possibilities, but now I'll tell you the answer.
It's the thrill of the hunt. Anyone can push a lever to get some juice in a cup or pour some cereal into a bowl, but how does that make you feel? Does it make you feel cool?
No. It makes you feel weak. Someone else caught those Corn Pops, didn't they?
How much better is it to sneak up to your prey - the juice machine, say - look over your shoulder to avoid being spotted, and then quickly whip out your Nalgene and fill that bad boy up?
Obviously a hypothetical question. Thievery is way, way better. So be that CIA agent for the day and get your lunch, plus extra!
Just do it.
