Dear Lindsay Lohan,
We here at the Daily are writing to express our regret that we didn't have space to run our review of your latest work. Though it may seem surprising for us to write a review of a naked body, we thought you'd appreciate our feedback. After all, you decided to pose for New York Magazine over the myriad other respectable publications that routinely publish naked pictures, so it's clear to us that you intended to make an artistic statement. Since we just couldn't find the space to run our 2,500-word feature article, we thought you'd like to take a look at these excerpts:
"Lohan's Breasts Shine in Debut Outing"
"Face: Clearly what that every male is focusing on in these classy photographs is your fabulous facial features. Yes, that sheer veil truly emphasizes your lovely... eyes. Actually, we have to be honest: your heavy eyeliner and pale lips leave you looking more crackwhore than glam-bombshell. Look alive, Lindsay.
Hair: It is a known fact that blondes have more fun (and better sex). But that doesn't mean a ridiculously fake blonde wig will attract more attention or better lovers. Besides, Lohan definitely seems to be having too much fun these days. Freckles: Lohan is covered in freckles. Seriously, every inch of her body is speckled with little brown constellations that some ancient Greek scientist could probably name and make stories out of. But comparing her freckles to stars is a little misleading. She looks more like she was attacked by a violent modern artist - one of those guys who goes around flinging paint all over everything - except this paint is brown and permanent and concentrated in places people would be arrested for showing in public. Maybe she just gets a freckle for every gram of coke she snorts. That could explain a lot.
Naughty Bits: Although they're old news by this point, L. Lo's sweatercows do look pretty fabulous, but it's a bit depressing to see them without feeling voyeuristic; it's as if all the mystery, and hence all the fun, is gone. Remember the first Christmas after you learned there's no Santa? You still get presents, but it's just not the same. What we're trying to say is that Lindsay's like Santa, only with breasts. Exquisite breasts.
Artistic merit: As far as artistic merit goes, more than soft-core celebrity nudity, these photos are obviously an in-depth exploration into the world of aesthetics. Notice the delicate contrasts between the semi-transparent sheets and Lohan's body. Some may ignore the lofty artistic aspirations of these pictures and move on to the more, shall we say, pressing aspects, but we at the Daily are classier than that."
So there you go, Lindsay. We are now eagerly awaiting your sophomore effort, and when the time comes to pick a publication, we hope you strongly consider choosing the Daily.
Sincerely,
The Daily arts department
